You Only Live Once
by theadamsfosterkid
Summary: "It ends on a Sunday. Just an ordinary, somewhat average Sunday. Except, Sundays aren't ordinary or even somewhat average anymore." A story about death and finding the real meaning of YOLO. Warning: character death and heavy OC storyline.
1. Prologue: The New Normal

**A/N:** I've had a really bad summer. I lost somebody who meant the absolute world to me to cancer. So this is how I'm coping. Not sure how long this is going to be, but I need to get it down and out of my head. I just stumbled upon _The Fosters_ on Netflix not to long ago and even though I'm a huge Stelena fan, this just couldn't get out of my head.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _The Fosters, _but the one Adams Foster character I do own is the youngest one named Micah Adams Foster (who is 16 years old and biologically Lena's because it was stuck in my head).

**Warning:** Character death and heavy OC storyline, if you're not okay with that, I'm not forcing you to read it!

The point of view will go back and forth between Micah's point of view and Lena's point of view. I really hope you like this, even though it will be sad.

First POV is Lena's.

* * *

**Prologue: The New Normal**

It ends on a Sunday. Just an ordinary, somewhat average Sunday.

Except, Sundays aren't ordinary or even _somewhat_ average anymore.

They haven't since stomach cancer took the life of your lover, your best friend, your protector.

No, Sundays which used to be filled with laughter from your wife and youngest son, Micah. They used to filled with their banter and weird sense of humor.

Five of six of your kids were grown, Brandon was in a band that traveled the world months upon end, Callie was working as a lawyer in Boston, Jesus was a baseball player for the New York Mets, Mariana was a fashion designer in New York City, and Jude is an enlisted Sailor serving your country in the United States Navy stationed in Hawaii.

It left you and your wife with your sixteen year old son, Micah who was a splitting image of you and Stef. He looked like you, but had the personality of Stef.

He was soft yet strong. Compassionate yet passionate. Loved cooking and barbecuing. Played football in the fall and baseball in the spring. He had an hard exterior to the outside world yet had the softest exterior towards his family.

* * *

The entire family was in the hospital room when she died. She had collapsed after a Thanksgiving meal and Micah knew what to do. This isn't the first time she's collapsed, but it was the last.

The doctor told you, three days after her admittance, to start making funeral plans and to start saying goodbye. One by one your kids told her they loved her and that they'll miss her. One by one they gave her a kiss on the forehead goodbye. Then one by one they walked out of the room. Leaving her last moments with you. For a solid seven moments you stared at her. You last words to her were that you loved her and that you always will.

She took her last breath and you let the tears flow down your face. You felt arms around you and turned to see that Brandon was holding you and he was crying to.

It took you three hours, but you finally left the hospital and when you did, you cried even more when you realized the your bride wouldn't be sleeping next to you ever again.

You cried yourself to sleep wearing one of Stef's old sweatshirts, imagining her arms being wrapped around you.

* * *

A week later, everything was starting to get back to normal. Well, a _new _normal.

Your older kids had gone back to their respective homes in New York, Boston, and Hawaii. And you were sitting trying to read a book when you heard the front door slam shut.

You look up to see Micah who had just gotten home from his part-time job to save up for a car before he graduated from high school and he was mad and you didn't know at what.

You had a feeling that he was dealing with the stages of grief, but you didn't know because he didn't talk anymore, he didn't eat. He was about to go into baseball conditioning and you just want him to let you in.

"What's wrong baby?" You asked him. Hoping just _hoping_ he'll let you in.

"Customer service during Christmas time sucks," he mumbled and you know that's not what's bothering him, but you let it slide because those six words are the most he's said to you in a week.

"I'm sorry baby." You say, not really knowing what else to say.

"I'm going to go up and change and then I'll start dinner, okay?" He said. He's been making dinner for the past week because it gets his mind off of the void that is currently in the house. The void that your wife used to fill.

"Sounds good," you said as he headed upstairs to change his clothes. You sigh hoping that he's dealing with his emotions solo because he could break at any moment an time.

Five minutes later, he comes down wearing a Padre's sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. You were trying to just go on living life figuring out how to live without her.

When people found out that Stef had cancer they brought over food left and right so you could spend time with her and not making dinner for the three of you. When she died they did the same, grieving is not an easy process.

You watched how your son opened the fridge, he made some comment about how he could do without some kind of casserole, but he pulled out the one that Mike had dropped by earlier that day. And put it in the oven and you feared that the silence was going to be the new normal.

He sat across from you and smiled softly, "How was your day Mama?" He asked.

"Quiet," you said. "Your siblings called me throughout the day though."

His head fell, "Sorry I didn't call you on my break," he said softly.

"It's fine," you say. "I'm sure they had you busy with holiday shoppers."

"There was the woman that I checked out today," he said, "she reminded me a lot of her. I almost thought it was her before I did a double take."

You grabbed his hand, offering some comfort, "I'm sorry." You said.

He caresses the back of your hand and looks down at your handhold, "I miss her," he admitted. "Is it ever going to get better?" He asked. "Did-did it ever get better for Mom after her dad died?"

You sighed and remember all those nights where you held your wife because she was crying about Frank. You remembered all those times where she shut you out because she didn't know how to cope.

You looked at your son and said, "She learned to live without him there, that's what we gotta do baby."

"Are-are you going to still work long hours?" He asked. You stared at him, you got the principal job when he was in the sixth grade and ever since then you've worked long, weird hours, leaving him with Stef. "I mean, it's cool if you do. But, I just need to prepare myself, you know for those times I'm not working or at practice and the house is quiet and Mom isn't bored looking for something to do."

"I'll see what I can do," you said. "We're going to get through this together."

He nodded and got up to get dinner out of the oven and as he did you remember his last conversation with your wife:

_"I'll always take care of her," he promised. "Whether you live or not. She'll always be taken care of."_

_"Thank you, my baby," Stef said weakly. "I love you."_

_"I love you too." He said kissing her forehead._

You were brought out of your thoughts by dinner being placed in front of you and you look at the small amount on your son's plate, "Could you maybe have a little more than that please?" You asked.

"Hm?" He said, obviously you caught him in deep thought.

"Could you maybe have a little more to eat tonight please?" You asked. "_Please?_" You almost beg.

"I'm not really hungry," he said. "I know that you're worried, but I can't eat. I can't sleep. It's like a part of our lives is missing. Because a part of our lives _is_ missing. It's not the same anymore, Ma." He said getting frustrated. "In a lack of a better way of saying it, I need my _Mommy._" He said. Your eyes well up in tears and you finally watch your son break down and you walk around the table and scoop him up in your arms as he cried. "I need my Mommy." He said over and over again.

You sit there are remember the last time he called Stef _Mommy_, Anchor Beach was involved in a school shooting during his freshman year just two years ago. And to make him more like the police officer at the time, he got shot. He obviously made it through, but when he woke up from his coma, Stef was sitting there at his bedside and instead of asking the woman to marry him, like Stef did with you, he just murmured, _"Mommy."_ He began Stef's boy when you began working as principal.

You sat there and comforted your son as he cried in your arms.

* * *

You slept in your son's bed that night and just held him as he cried. He cried for hours and you just held him.

When he stirred the next morning, you pulled him closer. "Good morning baby," you said.

"Morning Mama," he said with a hoarse voice.

"You wanna play hookie today and take a drive?" You asked.

"I have a huge test is trig and English or I would." He said. "You know Carlson and Timothy won't let me make it up. Rain check for this weekend?" He asked. "I'm not working."

"It's a date," you said kissing his cheek. "Now let's get up. I'll get a decent breakfast in you for your two tests."

"I was hoping for a breakfast burrito, like you normally make when I have big tests," he asked.

You kissed his cheek again, "Of course baby." You said happy that he'd be eating.

It was going to take awhile, but the two of you would find a way with life after your love's.

The denial and isolation was on it's way out and the anger was coming in, but you knew that every step of the way the two of you had each other.

* * *

**Chapter End:** Just a brief intro chapter. I'll be intermixing the rest of the Adams Foster family in throughout the story. Also flashbacks to show Stef's relationship with Micah will also be shown throughout the story.

Hope you stick around and don't hate this (or me) too much.


	2. Your Hero

**A/N: **Thank you for the support! This chapter is in Micah's point of view.

Text in _italics _are flashbacks.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter One: Your Hero**

_Two weeks later:_

You were just barely getting by, every day without your mom was harder as each day went on. You find yourself just going through the motions. But every night since you broke down in front of your mama she makes you cuddle with her just to have you close by and you have this feeling that when Christmas break commences every time you're not at work, you'll be in her arms.

You're sitting in English when Timothy is talking about a paper that he wanted you to write over break and to have a rough draft to him the day you get back.

"It's your big junior paper," he said. "We'll be working with it throughout the rest of the school year."

You tuned him out, you kept thinking about your mom and how if she were still alive she would be bugging you about what you were doing while you were writing it. Anchor Beach makes you write a big paper every year in high school.

"In preparation for college," you remember your mama telling you.

When you were writing the paper in your sophomore year, it was right after your mom was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer.

_"Whatcha doing?" Your mom said with a spring in her step walking into your room. It was the most energy she's had in awhile._

_"Writing that big paper for sophomore year," you responded._

_"What do you say you ditch that for a few hours and we go to the batting cages or something," she said._

_"Are you sure you're up for that?" You asked._

_"I may be sick, but I still can have some fun with my favorite son." She said._

_"I won't tell Brandon, Jesus, and Jude you just said that." You said not looking up from your MacBook._

_"Yeah, it'll be our little secret," she said, "so what do you say?"_

_"Can I at least finish this paragraph?" You asked._

_"Sure," she said. "What's it on this time?"_

_"About your hero," you said, "somebody who you really look up to. Somebody that has made a huge impact on your life."_

_Your mom softly smiled, "And who are you doing it on?" She asked._

_You looked up from tying your __shoes, "You," you said softly._

"Micah," you were brought out of your thoughts by Timothy standing right in front of you. Sometimes you can see how this guy is your sperm donor and other times you just want nothing to do with him.

Right now, it was the latter of the two.

"Yes?" You answered with a hoarse voice.

"You wanna come back to class now?" He asked.

"I am in class," you answered back sarcastically.

"Okay, you want to mentally come back to class now?" He rephrased his question.

"Sorry," you mumbled.

"Okay, so the topic you're going to write about is how you only live once," he further explained. "You can add experiences from life or hypothetical situations. Just make it good and well written."

* * *

As you were gathering up your stuff to go to lunch, Timothy stopped you.

"Hey Micah, hang back for a sec?" He asked.

"What's up?" You said putting your letterman jacket on.

"Are you doing okay?" He asked. "I mean I know Stef dying has taken a toll on you and your mom."

"I'm fine," you said, pretty hastily because he's implying that Stef isn't your mom. At least when your other teacher checked in they referred to their boss as your mama and your mom as your mom. "We're learning how to live with the void."

"I guess that's good," he said. "But, you're distracted in class, the more you keep doing that, the more I'm going to report to your mother."

"That what?" You said now getting angry, "That I show up to your class, sit here through countless love stories in Shakespeare? That I sit here through the pain of losing my _mom_? My _hero_? The one person who understood me better than I understood myself? I show up Timothy. I show up even when I don't want to. You should give me that. Give me that."

"How should I give you credit when you look like your on the verge of crying all the time?" He said back angrily. "Yes, you're here and I get it that you're hurting. But you have to move on."

"It's been three weeks," you argued. "Three weeks after sixteen years. Give me time."

Just as the last three words came out of your mouth the door opened, you both look to see your mama poke her head in. She must've been doing her lunch rounds when she heard the argument break out.

"Is everything okay in here?" She asked.

You took a deep breath before you said, "Can you tell Timothy that you can't get over the death of somebody in three weeks, please?" You said trying not break.

She looked between the two of you as she walked further into the classroom, "Are you telling my son that it's not okay to grieve?" She asked him, placing an arm around your back, "because for one that's not healthy and two it's unethical as a teacher for you to do so."

"Well tell your son that sitting in my class daydreaming isn't okay." He argued.

"We're trying to get by right now," your mama said. "He's entitled to feel whatever he feels and you can't make him feel bad about that at all whatsoever, okay?" She said in her full on mama tiger voice.

"Okay," he held his hands up defensively. He realized how out of line he was, so when he turned to you, he said, "I'm sorry."

Tears welled up in your eyes, "It's okay, but next time, maybe take into consideration that just because I have half your DNA in that she was just as much as my mom as she is," you said gesturing to Lena. "She was and never will be Stef to me." You said as you picked up your backpack and walked out of the classroom.

You walked and walked and walked. You passed by your friends and you kept walking. You walked until you got to the part of the beach where you and your mom would always have lunch together, especially after she got sick and felt up to moving around.

You sat in that spot and curled into a ball remembering the first time she brought you here during freshman year after the shooting:

_"How'd you manage to find the closest yet most private part of the beach near campus?" You asked._

_Your mom shrugged, "When your mama and I first started dating, we'd have lunch dates out here." She said._

_"Please tell me all you two did was eat out here," you said with a look of disgust._

_She laughed, "You think I would take your mama in my police uniform somewhere other than the privacy of our bedroom?" She said just to keep that look on your face._

_"Eww, Mom," you said, "I love that you and Mama love each other, but I don't need to know details."_

You lie there and remember that day, you don't know how long you lie there, but it's long enough to feel arms being wrapped around you, you look up and see that it's your mama with a concerned look on her face. She just held you for what felt like forever.

"I signed you out for the day and got the rest of your homework from your teachers," she said finally, "you and I are going for a drive."

Your eyes filled with tears, "Are-are you sure?" You asked.

She smiled softly, "Yes," she said. "Come on baby."

You get up and were ushered to your mama's car, she had grabbed your backpack and put it in the back seat of her car.

"What-what about Mom's car?" You asked knowing that you drove that this morning.

"I let campus police know that we're going to come back to get it," she said. "We're only going to be gone for a few hours. I just need to take care of you baby. Will you _please_ let me do that?"

You looked down and then looked up and said, "Okay."

"Okay," she repeated and started the car.

Your mama grabs your hand when she started to drive and she didn't let go. She just held onto your hand and for the first time since the funeral, you felt safe.

The two of you drove into Orange County to the special place that you and your mama had when you were bullied in elementary school. She used to take you out of San Diego and the two of you found your spot on the beach. The last time she took you here was the day after you were told that your mom had cancer.

_You were listening to the waves and you noticed that your mama was shivering, so you took off your letterman jacket and wrapped it around her._

_"Thank you honey," she said._

_"No problem," you said. "How-how are you?"_

_"I've been better." She said. "Your mom she's a strong one."_

_You nodded, "This is scary," you admitted. "I just thought she had a stomach flu or kept eating things that were bad."_

_"I wish it was that simple," your mama said. "How are you doing?"_

_"If I'm honest," you said, "not very good."_

_"Well thank you for being honest," she said._

"You remember the last time we were here?" Your mama asked you as you wrapped your letterman jacket around her, holding her close to you.

"Yeah," you said. "Two days after you told me, the day after you told the siblings."

"I'm sorry that it took us so long to get back here." She said.

"Mom's health really did decline at the end," you said, "If I'm honest, I'm really surprised she made it to Thanksgiving."

"I'm really sorry Timothy referred to her by her name in front of you." Your mama said. "That was an ongoing battle from before you were even born."

"It's okay," you said. "I kind of figured, it made sense once you and Mom told me that he was my sperm donor."

_It was the second day of freshman year and your English teacher was acting strange around you. So you decided to ask your moms some questions. You walked into the kitchen nook to see them sitting their with glasses of wine._

_"Hey Moms," you said hesitantly._

_"What's up my baby?" Your mom asked._

_"I have a question," you said._

_"Okay?" Your mama said, making room between the two of them so you could sit._

_"Is there by any chance that my sperm donor is my English teacher?" You asked causing both women to spit out their sips of wine._

_"What?" They both asked you._

_"It's just Timothy is acting weird around me and you never really told me who my donor was and I'm almost positive it wasn't Mike. And I didn't really think about it until today because you two are enough. I just guess my curiosity is getting the best of me."_

_You watched as they shared a look and even though you think you now know the answer, you were scared of what may come out of their mouth._

_"Miracle boy," your mom said, "yes, he's is your sperm donor."_

_"Alright, that makes sense then," you said, "how he's treating me."_

_"How is he treating you?" Your mama asked._

_"Just different, like he's trying to win me over or something."_

_You saw your mom roll her eyes, "You know I love you no matter what, yes?"_

_You nodded, "Of course, nothing will ever stop that." You said._

_She kissed your head and you smiled softly._

"Did you say something to him after that night?" You asked your mama.

She nodded, "I did. Just because I can't control what classes you get into with what teachers, doesn't mean that he should try to win you over. That's not okay."

You looked down before saying, "I'm sorry for blowing up on him today."

She kissed your temple, "He said you spent half of the class daydreaming and looking like you were on the verge of crying."

You sighed and ran your hand through your hair, "He was talking about the big junior paper and it brought me back to the sophomore paper and how I wrote it on Mom."

Your mama smiled, "She felt so honored," she said.

"I keep it in my letterman jacket," you said sheepishly.

Your mama pulled it out of your letterman jacket and smiled to see it folded into fours.

_My Hero by Micah Adams Foster_

_My hero ironically isn't the same as in the comic books that I spend most of my Sunday mornings reading or the video games that I play all day on Saturday. In fact, for a long time, the North Park area of the city of San Diego has consider her their hero long before I was born. Officer Stefanie Adams Foster or as I know her Mom, she's is and always has been my hero. I'm the youngest of six children, the age gap between myself and my older brother Jude is 13 years. So, it pretty much makes me an only child. My mom and I got close after my mama took the job as principal. It's like we click in some way. She understand sports stats like the back of her hand and she's like the best mom-friend you could ever have. Sometimes we gain up on my mama with our sarcasm and banter, but that's not something any of us would trade for the world._

_She's my hero because she saves me every single day. When I'm happy, she'll play catch with me and we'll joke around like there's nothing in the world to worry about. When I'm sad, she'll take me to the beach and we'll surf and then eat at a diner that serves our comfort food. When I'm mad, she'll let me yell, scream, and get it out, and then hold me reassuring me that everything's okay. When I'm bored, she'll take me to the batting cages or to a Chargers or Padres game. When I just need somebody to be there for me to listen, she'll listen with no judgement. It's cool because while most kids can't open up to their parents, I can and I feel no judgement towards how I'm feeling._

_When I was born, I almost didn't make it and because of that she often refers to me as Miracle Boy. She makes me feel like I'm a super__hero myself and sometimes I do feel like I am. Especially now, a couple of days before I started writing this essay, my moms got the entire family together on Google Hangout to tell us something, I was in my room, looking into the camera when the words I have stomach cancer came out of her mouth. I watched my five siblings spread out across the country and their reactions as they watched mine. Sometimes, even though I know the truth, I think she's indestructible. Although she's not working at the moment, she's trying to keep living life. And to me that's inspiring._

_Joseph Campbell once said, "A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself." It's safe to say that both my moms have done that, but my mom, more than anybody else that I know. She gave herself to the North Park area of San Diego. She gives herself to my mama, even when she felt uncomfortable doing so. She gives herself to her six children, even if we all are the reason why she has grey hair and is stressed out all the time. She gives herself to her grandchildren, even if they are all on the East Coast. She gives us all so much and for that, she's forever going to be my hero._

_Heroes don't always wear capes, sometimes they wear flannel shirts and jeans. Sometimes they don't wear masks, they wear soft smiles. Sometimes they don't have the coolest names in the world, sometimes they're called Mom._

You watched as your mama read your essay again and you watched as she wiped the tears away and suddenly you feel guilty that you primarily only talked about your mom.

"You know, you're my hero too." You said softly. "Timothy specifically said to narrow it down to one person."

She brushes your curls out of your face, "I know baby," she said. "I'm really glad that you and your mom had such a special bond that I didn't quite understand most of the time."

"Is it true that she initially didn't want me?" You asked remembering how she apologized to you one time when she was sitting in chemo.

_"I'm sorry," she said weakly as you were holding her hand in chemo as your mama went to go get something to drink._

_"Uh, what for Mom?" You asked caressing the back of her hand with your thumb._

_"At first, when Mama and I were trying to get pregnant with you, I didn't want her to have you." She said, "And that's my biggest regret in life."_

_You swallowed back tears and you said, "It's fine, you've made up for that."_

_"I'm glad you feel that way, Miracle Boy."_

Your mama nodded her head, "We were trying to adopt Callie and Jude at the time. The timing of it was a little off." She said. "But, your mom loved you so much. I remember the doctor placing you in her arms for the first time. She was so happy. In all honesty, you've been your Mom's boy ever since the beginning." You smiled and nodded your head. "You know, it's okay to be mad."

"It's not that I'm mad at _Mom._ It's just I get jealous of my siblings." You said.

"Why?" She asked you placing her head on your shoulder.

You took a deep breath, "She got to see them all graduate from high school, graduate from college, get married, and have kids. But, she didn't get to do that with me and how when I tell her that I'm getting married, she won't have that teary eyed look she had with the siblings." You said.

"I didn't think about that," she said. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault either," you said. "Not at all your fault. It's like what you said, we just need to figure out how to live with this void in our life. And I apologize in advance in silence is that void. Mom always got me riled up one way or another."

"It's fine," she said. "Just know I'm going to be here no matter what. I love you."

"I love you too, Mama," you said with tears in your eyes.

The two of you sat there listening to the waves and even though it was just you two, somehow it felt like your mom was sitting there creating the perfect mamasandwich.

* * *

**Chapter End:** Hope that wasn't too sad. I gotta say, Stef is one of my favorite characters, so this is hard to write, but it's healing to me in my situation right now. So I'm doing it. :)


	3. Living In The Moment

**A/N: **The love I'm getting for this! Thank you! I'm really pouring my heart out there for it!

I meant to post this yesterday, but it was my best friend's memorial service and I couldn't get myself to even look at this story yesterday. It was a hard, emotional day.

This chapter is in Lena's POV.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Living In The Moment**

You were standing next to Micah at the airport waiting for the rest of your kids to get off the plane from their respective flights with their respective families. The last time you stood here, your wife was standing next to you. So this was extremely bitter sweet.

Your youngest was standing there wearing his letterman jacket looking at his phone, you didn't know who he was texting at this early hour. It wasn't super early, but still early enough for a teenager to still be asleep on Christmas break.

"Jude, Connor, and their little girl just landed," you heard him say, "he said that they took their bags on the plane with them, so they won't be needing to pick up anything from baggage claim."

You nodded, "Sounds good," you said, smiling, remembering when Jude told you and your wife told you and Stef that he was dating Connor.

_Your head was resting against Stef's shoulder as she was hold a six month old, sleeping Micah when Jude hesitantly came into the room looking nervous._

_"Hey baby," you said softly, "you okay?"_

_"Can-can I talk to you two?" He asked._

_"You know you always can," Stef said. "What's up buddy?" She asked._

_"I just wanted you two to know that Connor and I are dating," he said softly._

_"Yeah?" You said, smiling at him. "Does his parents know?" Knowing that Connor had come into your office to talk to you about Jude._

_"Yeah," he said, "his dad isn't too happy. But, they're learning how to support him."_

_"Well, we're happy for you baby," Stef said. "C'mere." She said making room between the two of you and placing Micah in his swing to give the boy a proper __mamasandwich. "We love you so much." Stef said. "Nothing will ever change that."_

You were brought of the memory by the two boys coming down with their adopted daughter Riley, Jude immediately wrapped his arms around you and hugged you tight.

"Hi Mama," he said to you softly.

"Hi baby," you said letting go of him. Looking at how official he looked in his Navy uniform. He kissed your forehead and then went to hug Micah as Connor came and hugged you.

"Hi Lena," he said to you, "how is everything?" He asked still hugging you.

"We're getting by," you said to him. "We're learning how to fill the void."

Connor nodded, "Yeah, Jude's buried himself in work since we've gotten back." The man said.

You nodded and picked up a three year old, Riley, as you heard Micah say, "Mama, the twins and Brandon are next, Jesus just text me."

"Okay baby," you said. Knowing that once you had all of your grandchildren in your arms, everything would be better.

Brandon married Lou out of community college before _Someone's Little Sister _went on their first nation-wide tour and together they had two sons, Raider and Ethan, who were now 13 and 10. Jesus married a journalist from the New Yorker three years after he moved to New York to play for the Mets named, Ashleigh, and they just had their first child four months ago. And Mariana married Mat right out of fashion school and they had two children, Cooper and Lilliana, who are now 9 and 5.

"Mama," you heard coming down the escalator. It was Jesus' voice coming down with his twin and Brandon and their respective families.

"Hi babies," you said to him as Ethan, Cooper, and Lilliana came running towards you.

"We're going to go get our bags," Brandon said kissing your cheek. "We'll be right back, mind watching the kids?"

"You know you don't have to ask, honey." You said to him as Jesus and Mariana kissed each side of your cheek.

"Callie and her family on their way down," Micah said.

Callie married a doctor her last year of law school named Lucas and they both adopted a little boy named Taylor and Callie gave birth to a little girl named Danielle.

The extended family was getting big, but it's nothing that you would trade for the world. And when Callie came down, she wrapped you in the biggest hug you've ever received from the girl.

"We took our bags on board," she said. "So no need to get our bags from baggage claim," she said as she went to hug her baby brother. "You're getting tall." She mentioned.

"I already am tall," he pointed out. As he practically towered over Callie.

Callie chuckled, her baby brother was a typical quiet and reserved just like you, but when Stef got him riled up, he was just like her, but there were times where he just let his humor flow. It was a little more smoother than your wife's, but it still made everybody smile.

"How are you two doing?" Callie asked wrapping her arm around the both of you. "It's almost been a month."

"We're getting by," Micah said. "We've had a few hiccups along the way, but it's nothing we can't handle."

Callie nodded and kissed his cheek as the rest of the siblings made their ways back.

"Alright, which one of you got a rental car?" You asked, knowing that there was 17 of them visiting and only nine seats available between the two cars that you and Micah brought.

"We did, Mama," both Brandon and Callie said.

"Alrighty," Micah said swinging the keys on his fingers, "Jude, Connor, and Riley, can go with Mama. I'll take Mariana, Mat, and their kids. And can one of you take Jesus, Ashleigh, and the baby?"

"We can," Brandon said. "No biggie." He added.

"Sweet," Micah said, "we have Mike bringing over lunch for me to barbecue, so let's get a move on."

* * *

Jude was sitting in the passenger's seat as you drove home, when he randomly said, "He doesn't look okay."

"Who?" You asked focused on your driving.

"Miracle Boy," Jude said. It was the name the entire family called him, but Stef called him that more.

You chuckled, "Don't call him that to his face, he might break." You said. The two of you shared a laugh and you looked through your rearview to see Connor and Riley watching a video on his phone. "He's not doing okay." You said. "He has his good days and his bad. And right now the bad is outweighing the good, but he's trying to figure everything out."

"Is he getting in trouble at school?" Jude asked.

"Only with Timothy who is being a pain," you answered. "Other than that, no not really."

"Timothy always had been a pain." Jude remembered. "But, I guess that's good. He's staying busy?"

"Top of his class," you answered with pride.

"That's my baby brother," he said with an equal amount of pride in his voice. After a few minutes he spoke again, "We're not kicking him out of his room are we?"

After Brandon and Callie moved out, Jesus moved into Brandon's room and by that time, Jude shared a room with Micah until Jesus moved out and Micah took over the boys' room.

"It's fine," you said, "he's been sleeping with me lately anyway." You smiled at the night where he came into your room because he couldn't sleep.

_"Mama," he said knocking on the slightly ajar door._

_"Yeah baby?" You said._

_"I know I'm 16 now, but I can't sleep and I was wondering if I could come cuddle with you?" He asked._

_"Of course baby," you said scooting over to Stef's side of the bed._

_He got settled and you opened your arm for him to cuddle into you and he buried his face into your neck and curls._

_"I feel like I'm too old for this," he mumbled._

_"I never want you to feel like you're too old for my arms, baby," you said. "Never ever."_

_The two of you fell into a peaceful silence, but a rough night of sleep._

"Maybe you two should see someone," Jude said hesitantly, "like a grief counselor."

"I'll look into it after the first, okay?" You said, just wanting to get through the holiday without Stef.

"Yeah, that makes sense," he said, as you pulled into the driveway.

* * *

Micah was barbecuing and Mike pulled you aside, "Look," he said, "I really don't want to overstep my bounds here, especially since our friendship really started to bloom during Stef's illness, but I was wondering if Micah ever needed some guy time, if I could take him to the batting cages or something. Not as a dad, but just as a male figure in his life."

Your eyes welled up with tears and you nodded, "Yes, of course." You said. "I appreciate you, Mike." You said, "For sticking around even after Brandon graduated, got married, and moved. For wanting to be there for my baby." You added.

"Losing Stef isn't an easy thing," he said. "She was like your protector and he was his hero, yeah?"

You nodded, "Yeah, she always will be." You said.

"Like I said, I don't want to overstep my bounds and be a dad to him, but every teenage boy needs a male figure. And I know I've done some stupid things when Brandon was growing up, and I'm not trying to make it up with Micah, but I just want you to know that I'm still here. For him and for you."

You smiled and remembered when he came to Anchor Beach several days after the diagnosis to just be there for you.

_You were sitting at your desk trying to come up with a budget for the next quarter when you heard a knock on your door. You look up to see Mike standing there in his uniform._

_"Hey Mike," you said. "What's up?"_

_"Stef took a leave of absence today and told us why." He said, "I know I probably should've called, but I wanted to see how you were doing."_

_You smiled, after Mike made the vow to stay sober, he actually was a pretty decent person to be around, "I've been better," you said. "How are you doing?"_

_"Honestly, not very good." He said, "I just wanted you to know, that I'm here for you, Stef, the kids."_

_You nodded your head, "Thank you," you said. "I appreciate it."_

"You're a good guy, Mike," you said softly.

"I try to be," he said. "So look, I'll get out of here. Give you some time with your family."

"You can stay," you said. "You _are_ family, you know."

"I don't want to overstay my welcome," he said.

"No, it's really fine," you said. "Maybe get to know Micah a little better."

He nodded, "Sure thing," he said walking over to the barbecue and started talking sports with the boy.

You sat down next to Jesus who wrapped his arm around you, "I love you Mama," he said softly. "How are things?"

"As good as they can be, I guess," you said as your eyes traveled to the barbecue pit where your baby was talking sports with Mike.

"How's little man?" He asked using Micah's other nickname that he got when he was born. He was small, but he looked like a man.

"He has his good days and his bad, his bad days are outweighing the good right now." You said.

"How are you doing?" He asked.

"About the same," you said. "Some days is really hard. Your mom really was my rock. I miss the liveliness in the house. I miss your mom and brother's banter."

_Breakfast every morning was a lot more lively than you'd think it was for a house of three._

_You would place eggs, toast, and sausage in front of your son and eggs, toast, and bacon in front of your wife. And every morning it would be the same banter._

_"How do you not like bacon?" Stef would asked Micah._

_"I just don't like the taste or texture of bacon, I'm sorry Officer, is this some sort of crime?" He would play back._

_"A huge crime," Stef would say. "I just can't believe that you gave birth to a son who has a dislike to bacon, baby," she would say to you._

_You would roll your eyes because you both knew that the boy had a sensory processing disorder and couldn't stand the taste or texture of some foods and how some clothing would rub against his skin. You both knew that there was nothing neither one of you could do about it, except try to healthily feed your boy as best as you could._

_"Yeah well, at least pigs like me," he would always say back. "I save more pigs by not eating bacon."_

_"That's not even true," you would always say to him, "50% of sausage is made from pigs."_

_"Ha," Stef would always say, "your mama is a smart one you know."_

"Yeah, nobody could really replace Mom," Jesus said bringing you out of your memory. "I miss her too." He said.

"First Christmas without her," Mariana cut in, "it's not the same. Micah isn't making fun of Jesus for playing for the Mets like he usually does."

"That's because Mom would put him up to it," you said looking over at the boy who was softly smiling talking to Mike about the Chargers.

"I remember being drafted," he said. "That FaceTime call from the three of you."

_You, your wife, and Micah were sitting on the couch watching the MLB Draft waiting to see where your second oldest son would be drafted._

_"I hope it's the Padres," you said. "One, you two would be happy because you'll have home season tickets and two, I'll be happy to have him close during off season."_

_On the television: And the first round pick for the New York Mets is... Jesus Adams Foster!_

_You looked over to your wife and youngest son, even though it's not what they wanted they were smiling._

_"Well at least he's drafted." Stef said._

_"And as much as I hate to admit it, the Mets are better than the Padres." Micah admitted._

_"Yeah and he'll be able to stay in New York like he wanted," Stef said. "We're still getting season tickets to the Padres though love," she said to you, kissing your cheek._

_"I know," you said smiling._

_The three of you waited until the next morning at breakfast to FaceTime Jesus._

_"Congratulations babe," you said first._

_"Thanks Mama," he said. "Sorry Mom, Micah. The Padres just weren't in my point of view."  
_

_"It's fine my love." Stef said._

_"Yeah bro," Micah said. "You'll be better off with the Mets anyhow."_

_"We're still Padre fans though." Stef added._

_"Hardcore Padre fans," Micah amended._

_"Yeah, your guys' loyalty is impeccable, I get it," he said. "Could maybe you like secretly cheer for me when we play the Padres or every time I play?" He asked._

_"Of course," Stef said._

_"You bet," Micah said._

_"Family always comes first," Stef added._

_"But, we'll still jokingly make fun of you for playing for the Mets when they lose, especially to the Padres," Micah said._

_"Fair game," Jesus said. "Look I gotta go, Ash and I are going to breakfast with franchise."_

_"Bye baby, love you," you and your wife said._

_"Bye bro and seriously, __congratulations." Micah said._

_"Thanks little man, bye Moms, Micah."_

"She was the rock in this family," Mariana said. "I can't imagine what it's like to be here without her every single day."

"It's hard," you said. "We try to keep our minds occupied, but sometimes it's harder."

"Alright, lunch is ready," Micah said coming to the table with the hamburgers and Mike.

He sat down next to you and you placed your hand on his knee as the family ate together in a happier circumstance than the night of the funeral.

* * *

Christmas morning was a morning you'd never forget, especially 17 years ago, when your water broke during Christmas dinner, but every year, you and Stef would reminisce about that particular Christmas morning.

_You were six months pregnant and you and your wife were sitting in bed and she was drawing soft circles on your pregnant belly._

_"This is nice," Stef said to you. "I remember when Brandon and the twins would wake us up early on Christmas mornings. I'm glad they care about sleeping in on Christmas morning."_

_"Yeah, we'll have this one in a few years to wake us up early on Christmas morning," you said placing your hand on the side where she wasn't drawing patterns._

_Stef hummed, "Yeah, this one." She said. "A little boy."_

You were brought out of the memory when you realized that little boy wasn't in bed with you anymore, you smelt coffee, and realized that he probably made it for you. You went downstairs and poured yourself a cup of coffee realizing that five out of six of your children were sitting around the kitchen table with their respective spouses.

"Good morning babies," you said. "Where's Micah?"

"Uh he's out in the garage," Callie said, "I think he's beating the life out of a punching bag."

You sighed, "I'll be right back," you said to your children as you walked out to the garage.

Sure enough when you got the garage you saw your son in a boxing match with the punching bag that you and Stef had asked if she could get him one when he was angry with Timothy.

_"Why is he so mad?" Stef asked you. "He isn't talking, he's mad."_

_"Timothy is treating him horribly," you answered. "And he doesn't want to take it out on us."_

_"Well, he can't hold it in," she said. "I'm going to get him a punching bag. Is that okay?"_

_"Of course," you said. "Just make sure he knows that he isn't to punch anybody else."  
_

_"I think he knows that love," Stef said to you, running her hand through your curls._

You're brought back to present day as Micah is beating the life out of the bag and you could tell he was crying. You also notice that Jude had followed you out and made his way to putting his hands on the younger boy's shoulders.

"Micah," he said, but the boy kept punching. "_Micah._" He said firmly.

You watched as the teenager melted into his brother's arms, you watched in awe on how Jude got Micah to a somewhat okay position.

"She gone, Jude." He whispered out. "She's really gone. No waffle tower for my birthday, no birthday run, no obnoxious _'we had to get you extra presents because it's not only Christmas but you're birthday too"_ comments from her when she spoiled me more than you guys."

You tried to hold back a chuckle because it was true, every Christmas she would insist that his birthday and Christmas maybe on the same day, but he deserved more gifts.

"Well you're in luck right now," he said softly. "Brandon is in there making you your waffle tower, Jesus and I are going to go on a birthday run with you, and Callie and Mariana are all up for saying Mom's obnoxious lecture about how you may share your birthday with Christmas, but they are two separate things. Come on kid," he said lifting the boy off the ground, "Come on Mama," he said to you kissing your cheek.

* * *

The waffle tower was eaten, the three boys went on a run, and now Callie and Mariana were going on about how Micah deserved more presents.

"Guys," you heard Micah say, "it's fine. Really. I go through this every year. I'm grateful for one set of presents and considering them two."

"No," Mariana said, "we all get specials presents on our birthdays and Christmas. Your birthday isn't Christmas like Christmas isn't your birthday."

"It didn't even make sense when Mom said that," he said, softly as his head fell. The room fell in a somber state for a moment and you walked over to your son and wrapped him in your arms. Remembering how you were wrapped up in Stef's arms when your water broke 17 years ago.

_The kids were off messing with their Christmas presents, it had been a little bit of a chaotic morning, but you wouldn't give up your current state for the world. Your wife had her arms wrapped around you and was running her fingers through your curls, every so often placing a soft kiss on her forehead._

_And as she left a lingering kiss on your forehead, it happened._

_Your water broke and you inwardly started to panic because it was too soon._

_Three months too soon._

_"Uh honey," you said trying to keep the panic out of your voice, but she knew._

_"Okay," she said in the softest voice you've ever heard, "let's get you to the __hospital."_

_"What-what about the other kids?" You asked your wife._

_"I'll have Brandon drive them in his car," she said, "are you okay?"_

_"It's too soon," you said with tears in your eyes. You've already almost lost this baby once._

_"It's okay, baby," she said. "We'll get through this."  
_

_She got up and dealt with the kids and then she lifted you off the couch and carried you to the car. When you got to the hospital, you didn't fight her when she insisted on carrying you __until you got into a wheelchair, somehow, her strong, protective arms made you feel safe._

He had a respiratory infection when he was born that he pulled through and became your and Stef's _Miracle Boy._ You remember the first time the doctor put him into her arms as you were being released from the hospital about a month after he was born.

_"Here you go, Mrs. Adams Foster," the doctor said placing Micah in Stef's arms. "You have one hell of a miracle right here."_

_Stef's eyes were glued to the brown eyes staring back up at her, "Yeah, he really is our Miracle Boy," she said. "Thank you," she said looking up at the doctor momentarily before moving her eyes back down to the little boy in her arms. Tears started to develop in her eyes. "Hi baby," she cooed down at him. "Mommy's been wanted to hold you for a month now. Thank you for getting better. You gave Mama and I quite a scare."_

_You smiled, at how effortless your love was at being a mom, you came up behind her and placed your chin on her shoulder looking at the baby boy, "I love you, Stef." You whisper._

_"I love you too," she said kissing your forehead. "Thank you for giving us a beautiful baby boy." She said looking back down at him._

You had your boy wrapped in your arms and he tried to just disappear into you.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby," you whispered. "There's no place I'd rather be, but here with you in my arms."

* * *

Your grandchildren were running everywhere. Well, almost all of them were. Raider was sitting texting somebody on his phone and Riley was curled into your side. And for the first time in awhile you were content. You smiled as you watched your older kids with their spouses.

Brandon and Lou were trying to get Raider to put down his phone, Callie and Lucas were sitting on the couch cuddled into each other drinking hot chocolate, Jesus and Ashleigh were dealing with their fussy four month old daughter, Mariana and Mat were watching Micah try to assemble a lego set with Cooper, and Jude and Connor were quietly talking as Connor was curled into Jude.

The only thing that was missing was you curling into Stef, it had become a tradition every Christmas after presents were opened.

They say that the first year is the hardest. The first Christmas, the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the one year anniversary of the death. And maybe they're right. But you held onto the words that Stef had told you the night of your diagnosis.

_"Everything is going to work itself in its time. Not a second longer; not a second shorter. And we can't force that."_

And you knew that it would work itself out, it maybe hard at the moment, but surrounded by your family, it was like she was here with you.

You and Micah had a lot to work out, but you'd wait until after the holidays to do that. Right now you were content in living in the moment with your granddaughter curled into you, surrounded by your kids and grandkids.

In that moment, what can be more better than that?

* * *

**Chapter End:** Not sure if I like this or not. I'm currently in the middle of season 2A right now. Trying to catch up before Monday's midseason finale. So I'm still trying to learn the five kids' personalities, if you will.

Hope you liked it.


	4. Hope Isn't Completely Lost

**A/N:** Grieving is never an easy process. You don't go through all the stages of grief and are done. Sometimes you go through them a lot. This wasn't an easy chapter to write, but I know I needed to write it.

Thank you to my two friends **ahopelesship **and **guitarkid** for all your help with this chapter and getting me through this difficult time of grieving. Sherri Saum once said, "If you don't have a friend like Teri Polo, go pick one up. Highly recommended." Well, I picked up two friends like Teri Polo, does that count? ahaha!

**Warning:** Some minor details of a suicide attempt is mentioned in here.

This chapter is in Micah's POV.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Hope Isn't Completely Lost**

_"It's going to get a lot worse before it will get better," the grief counselor that you and your mama have been seeing since after the holidays said._

You don't know what you're doing half the time anymore. You get up, have breakfast with your mama, you go to school, go to baseball conditioning, come home, do homework, eat dinner, cuddle with your mama for a little while, and then go to bed.

It's the same routine day in and day out on the week days. You always take a weekend shift because that means that you'd be standing in the middle of a busy Best Buy and not sitting in the silence of your home.

You stopped talking after all the siblings left, there was no point. Your mama has buried herself in work too. You knew this would happen, so you just don't talk anymore. The two of you don't say much, you allow the television to take away the silence now. Your mama is only there late at night to hold you, but you need more than that.

Timothy was still subtly giving you a hard time for daydreaming in class. All you could think about was your mom.

_"What do you want to be when you get out of college?" She asked you one night as you two were stargazing while your mama worked late during your freshman year._

_You cuddled further into her strong embrace, one of the only places you feel like you can be soft and vulnerable, "I want to be a computer engineer." You said. "Potentially get a PhD in the subject."  
_

_"Wow, smarty pants," she joked, wrapping her arm tighter around you, knowing that this was your safe place. "Well, I can't wait to see you to pursue that."_

"Micah," Timothy said, "_Micah,_" he said trying to get your attention. "Micah Adams Foster," he said.

You snap at of your daydream, "What, huh?" You got out.

He sighed, obviously tired of putting up with your daydreaming, "I'm sending you to your mother," he said making a phone call to your mama's office. "Hi, yes, this is Timothy. I'm sending Micah to you, he's not participating in class." Silence as your mama said something. "Uh huh, he'll be there in five minutes, tops. Alright, bye." He turned to write you a pass and then handed it to you, "Your mother is expecting you, take your stuff."

You packed up your stuff, threw your jacket on, and snatched the slip out of Timothy's hand while walking out the door. You take the longer way to your mama's office. Once you finally get there, you plop in the seat in front of her.

"Bad day?" She asked you softly. You give her a grunt in response. "Baby, use your words, please."

You were looking at your Nike's, they were a birthday gift from Jude and Connor. They were slowly becoming your favorite shoes. Then you realized that your mama was still staring at you.

You looked into her concerned eyes and said, "I guess you can say that." Your head falls as you continue to look at your shoes.

You hear her move from behind her desk and you don't look up not even after you feel arms wrapped around you. In fact, the moment she puts her arms around you, you shot up.

"Baby," she said trying to get you to come sit back down, but you just looked out her window. She had the most beautiful view of the Pacific, especially when it was an overcast day. You know she was confused because she was just trying to comfort you and she knew that being comforted meant cuddles and soft temple kisses. "What's wrong?" She asked.

You sighed, "How long do I have to feel like this?" You asked. "How long do I have to feel like everybody I love is going to leave? How long do I have to feel like I want to die? How long do I have to wish that the bullet that went inside me freshman year would've killed me? How long Mama? I can't bare this pain anymore."

You heard her jump up and wrap her arms around you and got you to sit in her lap, you fought her, "No baby, no. Let me hold you. Let Mama hold you." She rocked you back and forth, back and forth, and you cried. You thought you were done grieving, you cried a lot, and you thought you were done crying. Your mama kept whispering things like, "It's okay", "let it out", and "I got you." And you cry harder than you ever have before.

You try to remember what it was like when both your mama and your mom hold you. Like they did after your first nightmare after the school shooting. Like they did when you got overwhelmed with school activities, and like they did after you found out your mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer. You try, but then that makes it harder. Now you're sitting on the ground in your mama's lap in her office crying so hard that the vice principal came in just to make sure that everything is okay.

"I think so," you manage to hear your mama say, "He's just having a bad day." She added. "He'll be fine."

You try to get out of your mama's embrace and you do, you walked out, ignoring your mama's protest, and you walked out into the student parking lot. Your mama tried to stop you.

"Baby," she said catching up to you, "where are you going?"

Your voice trembled when you said, "I don't know, but I just can't be here right now."

She sighed, "You can't run from your problems, baby. We have to work this out," she said.

"Why do you care all of a sudden?" You bursted it out yelling.

She had a confused look on her face, "I'm sorry?" She asked clearly confused.

"The only time you've been around is late at night when I can't sleep and you just hold me. I need more than that, Mama!" You yelled, knowing that the people at the first lunch can hear you, but you don't care. "I need you, more than I ever have before and you're not there!"

"I have been there, honey." She said. "You just stopped letting me in." She said firmly. "You stopped letting me know what was going through your head. None of this is my fault, Micah."

"So it's my fault?" He accused. "It's my fault that I'm introverted and don't like causing trouble? It's my fault that Mom died?"

"I'm not blaming you, Micah." She sighed. "Just let me in, _please_?"

"Maybe I don't want to let anybody in," you said.

"You let Mom in all the time," she argued.

"And look what happened?" You said, "She's gone now, Mama. And I can't live like this anymore."

She grabbed you by your shoulders, looked you straight in the face, with a low, serious, firm voice said, "I know that you're hurting more than you've ever hurt before. I get that. I'm hurting too, more as the days go on. You lost your _mom,_ I lost my _wife._ I'm sorry baby, I really sorry, but I'm not letting you do anything stupid. You were important to your mom, her pride and joy. You need to realize how important you are to _me._ To your _siblings._ And we're going to have to be enough for you baby. We're going to have to be enough," she said with tears in her eyes. The tears in your mama's eyes caught your attention, "I need you baby and I'm sorry that I've been burying myself under work. But, I need you to understand just how much you're important."

You stood there staring into your mama's dark brown, vulnerable eyes and standing in the middle of Anchor Beach's student parking lot, you both cried together.

* * *

Your coming out of baseball conditioning when you receive a chastising phone call from Callie.

"What do you think running from your problems will do for you, huh?" She said. "Take it from the experienced little man, it doesn't get you anywhere, but trouble."

"I'm not you, Callie," you argued. "I just needed a few hours to collect my thoughts."

"Then you tell Mama that, you don't just walk away." She said. "Running doesn't get you anywhere. You need to be open and honest with Mama."

"It's not easy, Callie." You said. "Being here without Mom. It's not easy." You repeated.

"I wouldn't imagine it is, baby brother." She said. "It's not easy knowing that she's gone with an entire country between us. You just can't run away from your problems. As your big sister, I'm not allowing you to. You need to man up and be there for Mama."

"So what?" You spat angrily. "I have to be there for Mama, but I can't have anybody there for me?"

Callie sighed, "I didn't say that little man." She said. "Just be the man Mom would want you to be. Don't run away from your problems."

"You did." You pointed out. "Mom and Mama said you ran away the night after they asked you if you wanted to be adopted and their wedding. After you kissed Brandon and you didn't want to ruin it for Jude. You ran."

"And that's the biggest regret of my life." She said softly. "If I could go back and realize every thing I went through, knowing that I hurt Mom and Mama, and the siblings. I wouldn't have done it." She said. "You are not running from your problems. If I have to fly back just to kick your ass, you better count on me doing so." Tears filled your eyes, "I love you little man. You're the best baby brother I could ever ask for. Just be there for Mama, please."

You nodded your head while saying, "Okay."

* * *

You were pretty much on lockdown for the rest of the week after the escape attempt. If you weren't by your mama's side it was because you were at school or baseball conditioning. She drove with you to work and sat in the car while you were on shift. Your coach walked you back to your mama's office after conditioning. She came out and ate lunch with you and your friends. You weren't to leave her side.

It was a Friday night and you were cuddled into your mama when you heard crying, you looked up and saw your mama in tears.

"Mama?" You asked quickly changing positions. You were holding her into your chest. "Hey, it's okay Mama."

She cried for what seemed like forever before she said, "I miss her so much," she said. You nodded just letting her talk. "You know we explained to you kids that your Mom was dying. But every day nobody explains to me why I have to wake up every morning without my love spooning me from behind. Nobody explained to me why I don't have to be constantly in fear that she'll lose her life on the job. Nobody told me why my best friend, my lover, my _wife,_ is never coming home to me anymore. Nobody explained it to me."

Then it hit you as your mama broke down again in your arms, she's not as indestructible as she seems. The two of you sat there as your mama cried and you didn't know how to comfort her. So you just held her realizing that the depression was in for the both of you now.

When her sobs died down, you swallowed the lump in your throat and said, "I'm sorry for freaking out on you on Monday. I'm sorry for essentially calling you a horrible mother. I knew it was hard for you, but I didn't realize how hard it was."

"It's fine baby," she said. "I just wanted you close this week."

You nodded, "I get that," you said softly. "Maybe we should see somebody other than the grief counselor." You added. "Like a family therapist or something."

She looked up at you and said, "You sure you want this?"

"I want to live, I don't want to be depressed anymore. I-I haven't felt like this in a while."

"You've felt like this before?" She asked you as you nodded thinking about after you got out of the hospital after being shot.

_You had earbuds in your ears and you were listening to music when your mom came in to see if you were going anywhere that afternoon. You felt the bed dip and her getting in the bed to cuddle you._

_"How are you feeling?" She asked you. You shrugged. "Can you use your words?"_

_"Mom, I just wanna lie here with no obligations to do anything else," you said._

_"That's what you've done every day since you've been dismissed from the hospital if you aren't at school," your mom said to you. "Are you okay?"_

_"I just don't feel like myself anymore," you mumbled into her side. "I just feel, I don't know, depressed."_

_She ran her hand through your curls and she said, "Y'know when the twins were about your age, a little older actually, I got shot."_

_"You did?" You asked never hearing this story._

_"Yeah, I thought Jesus was in a crack house and didn't go into the house with any protective gear on. Was shot, still have the bullet fragments near my spine." She said. "Your mama was so scared."_

_"Like she was when I protected her from the gunman?" You asked._

_"Yeah," she said. "You were brave, you know that?"_

_"I figured you couldn't live without Mama." You said._

_She left a lingering kiss on your forehead, "I couldn't live without you __either, Miracle Boy."_

_You didn't believe her and that's when the depression started kicking in the first time._

"I felt like this about a month after I got shot," you said running your hand through her curls. "That's why Mom was so adamant in getting me help."

She nodded, "Monday morning, I'll start looking into therapy for us," she said. "You just have to promise me that you'll let me in."

You chuckled, remembering Callie reprimanding you, "Yeah, I promised Callie that I would." You said.

"When?" She asked.

"Monday after conditioning," you said. "Did you tell her about my attempt to escape from the world?"

She nodded, "Yeah, all your siblings. I-I was worried." She said.

"I got a loving yet chastising phone call from Callie." You said. "Sorry for worrying you."

"When you get depressed baby," she began, "it scares me, I already lost my wife. I'm not sure if I could lose you either."

You sighed because you know she's right, when you get depressed, you get borderline suicidal. It's why your moms got you into sports because you had a suicide attempt in the summer between your freshman and sophomore year.

_The pills were sitting there. They were a type of sedative that help you sleep and help tame your PTSD. You were alone as both your moms were working, your mama had to be the principal for summer school and she left you alone._ _And you were sitting on the counter in the kitchen with a handful of pills in your hand. You were about to take them when you heard the side door open and your mom call out._

_"Micah, baby?" She said, "I was wondering if I could treat you to-" She stopped mid-sentence with wide eyes. "Baby," she said. "What-what are you doing?"_

_You looked up to see the concern in her eyes as she slowly made her way to you. She grabbed the pills out of your hands as soon as she got to you and she immediately took you in her arms. And you cried against your mom because you knew she was stronger than you, so you didn't feel like fighting her. She picked you up and brought you to the kitchen nook and cradled you in her arms. And she got you calmed down before her phone buzzed._

_"Hey love," she answered. You heard your mama's voice as your mom said, "Is it possible for you to come home right now?" You imagine your mama asked why and if everything was okay because your mom answered, "We have a problem with our Miracle Boy right now." She kept rocking you back and forth as your mama spoke, "Okay my love. We'll see you soon." She hung up the phone and tossed it to the side. Solely focused on you._

_The two of you sat there in silence until your mama got home and she called out, "Stef, honey? Micah, baby? Where are you two?" She asked._

_"In the kitchen nook, my love." Your mom called out softly, still rocking you back and forth._

_Your mama came in and saw you cradled in your mom's arms and she immediately took a seat next to the two of you._

_"What's going on?" Your mama asked._

_You whimpered a little as your mama ran her hand through your hair, "I came home to treat him to a lunch out to find him sitting on the counter with a handful of sedatives and he was about ready to take them. All of them," she emphasized._

_"What, why?" Your mama asked you. "Baby," she breathed._

_"Don't wanna live anymore," you got out._

_You felt your mom's grip around you get tighter, "Why baby?" Your mom whispered._

_"Too hard, too damn hard," you mumbled._

_"What's too hard?" Your mom asked you, "Talk to us baby."_

_You try to get up, but your mom held you tighter. You manage to get out of her grip and run to the kitchen where the sedatives were. You got the bottle open and almost got them all in your mouth before you felt strong arms around you. You swallowed what was in your mouth before you heard:_

_"Baby, no." Your mom said, "This isn't the way." __You were about ready to put the rest in your mouth when your mom grabbed the pills and threw them behind her, knowing you swallowed half a handful, she watched your eyes droop a little. "Lena," she called out, "call 911. Get an ambulance here, we gotta get him to the hospital."_

_And your mama did._

"That was the scariest experience ever," your mama said. "I could barely live it with your mom, not sure if I could live it alone."

You took a deep breath, "You're not going to, Mama." You said leaving a soft kiss on her forehead. "I won't let you."

* * *

That Sunday you found yourself on a Mama-Son date across town. You drove the car that your Mom left you upon her passing and you had plans to show your mama just how you loved her. You put the car and park as your mama was responding to an email, you walked to the passenger side door and you opened the door for her. Remembering how the chivalrous act by your mom used to always make your mama blush.

_You sat behind your mama as your mom drove you home from the hospital after you suicide attempt and that's when you first remembered it vividly._

_Maybe you've noticed it all along, but this was the first time you remember seeing your mama blush because your mom opened the car door for her. You remember your door opening and your mom picking you up to carry you inside. Normally you would fight her because you were fifteen and could walk by yourself, but you know you gave both your moms quite a scare. So inside you let her carry you inside and you curl into her chest. Letting her be your mommy once again._

_You noticed it again two hours later when you were brought to the kitchen table for dinner, how your mom's hand never left your mama's lower back. How your mom put your mama first._

_That night you woke up between them and heard them talking, you didn't want to eavesdrop, but your mama talking while drawing patterns on your forehead._

_"I love that you take care of us, honey." She said. "Thank you."_

_"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else doing anything different, my love." Your mom said leaning over to kiss your mama._

And that's why you promised your mom that your mama would always take care of your mama. You noticed the chivalry as made your mama's eyes light up. For your mom with love and for you with pride that they taught you how to be a gentleman.

Things weren't perfect yet and they may never be perfect, but you knew that your mama would never would let you give up.

* * *

**Chapter End:** Hope that wasn't too intense, it always is worse before it gets better I hear. So it maybe intense for the next few chapters. Hope you liked that as much as you could.


	5. These Times

**A/N:** This chapter is in Lena's POV.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the song I use in this chapter. I still don't own The Fosters.

* * *

**Chapter Four: These Times**

_These times will try hard to define me_  
_And I'll try to hold my head up high_  
_But I've seen despair here from the inside_  
_And it's got a one track mind_

You started to notice a subtle change in your son and you'd be happy for that, but it's not completely for the better. Sure, he comes and talks to you when there's a problem now, but you feel the need to subtly hover. You're trying really hard not to be obvious, but you can't help, but worry.

You were doing your lunch rounds on a Friday when you saw him sitting next to his small group of friends. You hadn't seen him since last night because you had an early all campus staff meeting, so you figured it'd be a good excuse to see your son. You walked over to him and placed your hands on his shoulders.

He looked up at you and softly smiled, "Hey Mama." He said.

"Hey," you said back down at him.

"Principal Adams Foster," his friend Ben said, "would you like to sit down with us?"

You smiled, Ben has always been one of Micah's best friends, and he was so polite.

"Sure, I can spare a few minutes," you said sitting next to Micah wrapping your arm around him. He leaned into you, but you could tell something was wrong. "How is you guys' day going?" You asked the group.

"Good," they all said, all, but Micah.

"How about you baby?" You asked him.

"Alright," he said. "Had a surprise test in English that I was so underprepared for, but I'm sure it's nothing I can't make up with extra credit."

You softly smiled at him, "What class do you have next?"

"Trig." He said slowly eating the leftover pasta from the night before. Then he opened the small cooler that he used as a lunchbox and handed you a Tupperware full of pasta from last night. "In case you forgot to pack a lunch."

You kissed his cheek, "Thank you baby," you said. "That was super thoughtful."

He nodded, you could tell he needed the closeness right now, it's been exactly two months since Stef's passing and it seemed to be a hard day for him. Although, every day seemed like a hard day for him. He and Stef really connected in a way you didn't understand. You were by no means jealous because you always had that special connection in giving birth to him and if you were honest, you loved the connection that the two of them had.

_You were sitting between Stef and Micah at a Padres game, you were only there because they were playing the Mets and Jesus was in the starting lineup for pitcher. You had your head resting against Stef's shoulder and she wrapped her arm around you and was playing with your curls._

_"You think Jesus' batting average is better because he plays for the Mets?" Micah asked Stef._

_"I think it's because he worked hard throughout high school and college, but I think he has a better chance of being successful with the Mets. I do agree there," Stef said._

_"The Padres are going through a rough patch in their starting line up because all of the star players, all the players we as fans can count on, are injured." Micah said._

_"Yeah," Stef said, rubbing up and down your arm. "But, we'll be back up to World Series status soon enough."_

_"Yeah," he said as he was looking something up on his phone, distracted._

_"Hey my love," She then whispered in your ear._

_"Hey baby." You said snuggling into her as best as you could in the stadium seats._

_She left a lingering kiss on your forehead, "How are you feeling?" She asked you knowing that ever since giving birth to Micah that you've been anxious around big crowds._

_"I'm okay," you said. "I'm with two of seven of my favorite people about ready to watch one of my other favorite people play a game I don't understand."_

_"We'll help you understand, Mama," Micah said looking up from his phone. "It's pretty simple once you get the hang of it."_

_"Yeah," Stef whispered lovingly in your ear, "and if you get overwhelmed at all, you tell me, yes?" She added and you nodded._

_It felt good getting out with her wife and youngest son watching her second oldest son play a game that he loves._

You placed your arm around his shoulders tightly as you redirected your attention back to the group, listening to Ben who was talking about how some kid in his chemistry class spilled a chemical all over their lab sheet and they were almost done with it.

"It was so frustrating." He said, "We were so close to being done too. Luckily, the chem teacher is the baseball coach and he saw how hard _I_ worked and still gave me credit. But, I was still mad."

"Who was it?" Micah's other friend Greg asked.

"The new transfer from LA, Wesley Peterson." Ben said.

"Isn't he the same kid that looks like he's high all the time?" Micah's girl best friend, Alex asked. "I've met him once and he looked so out of it."

"He looks like he's high?" You asked rubbing your hand up and down Micah's arm.

"Yeah," Ben said, "don't make it obvious, but look," he said pointing towards the beach, "he's the boy sitting on the rock looking stoned right now."

"Oh, yeah, his dad is the replacement Vice Principal." You said making everyone, except Micah, spit out what was in their mouth, looking guilty.

"Oh man," Ben muttered, "I'm sorry Principal Adams Foster." He said.

"No, no," you tried to sooth, "it's okay. I'm not your principal right now," you said, as you continued to rub your hand up and down Micah's arm. "When I sit here with you, I'm just his mom," you said gesturing to Micah with your head. They all nodded and went back to eating and you watched as your son pulled his phone out of his pocket, "Who text you?" You asked softly.

"I have five missed texts from all the siblings," he said, showing you.

_**Brandon: **Hey bud, hope you're having a good day! We're in Indianapolis about to do a show before headed to Boston to see Callie, Lucas, and the kids, and do a show there. Text me if you need to talk. Love you._

**_Callie:_**_ Hey little man! Hope you're having an awesome day! I'm in court all day, but if you need anything send off a text and I'll get back to you asap. Love you! xoxo_

**_Jesus:_**_ Bro! Not sure whether or not this will make you smile or jokingly frustrated or both, but guess who has two thumbs and just signed a seven year contract with the Mets? Oh, that's right, ME! Love you and hope you're having an okay Friday!_

**_Mariana:_**_ Hey baby brother! I know you're under a lot of stress right now with school, but know that Mat, the kids, and I are rooting for you! I love you! x x_

**_Jude:_**_ Hey Miracle Boy! Just thinking about you! Hope you're Friday is going okay! Love you!_

You smiled because you have some of the greatest kids in the world, "Do they do this every day?" You asked him.

He nodded, "Every day since my escape attempt." He said quietly.

"We have an appointment with Dr. Phillips this afternoon," you said to him quietly as all his friends were talking amongst themselves.

He nodded, "Good," he said. "I think we both need it."

You nodded and rubbed your hand up and down his arm in comfort.

_And I have this feeling in my gut now_  
_And I don't know what it is I'll find_  
_Does anybody ever feel like_  
_You're always one step behind_

* * *

You don't know what happened between lunch and now, but Micah isn't talking. Not that you expected him to talk in the waiting room before an hour appointment of being open and vulnerable. But, you kind of did expect to be able to snuggle a little before your appointment and he's now sitting across from you texting who you think is one of his siblings while listening to music.

You sit next to him and put your head on his shoulder and you were able to hear the song he was listening to. You recognized the band from Brandon's teenage days of rock music. You know Micah typically doesn't listen to all new Top 100 music out there other than _Someone's Little Sister_ and you know that he only listens to it to support Brandon, Lou, and Matt or he wouldn't listen to them. You know that between Brandon and Callie that he inherited all of their music taste from the early 2000s.

You relax into his embrace, you missed him holding you. Ever since Stef died you've been giving him a little extra TLC and you forget that sometimes being in his strong embrace is what you need.

_Now I'm sitting alone here in my bed_  
_I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get_  
_I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm failing_  
_I'm telling you these times are hard_  
_But they will_

You stop and think how relatable this particular song is to your current situation and you softly smile as you feel your baby relax beneath you. You know that he maybe willing to get help, but he's still nervous to be vulnerable.

_And I know there's someone out there somewhere_  
_Who has it much worse than I do_  
_But I have a dream inside, a perfect life_  
_I'd give anything just to work_  
_It's like I'm only trying to dig my way out_  
_Of all these things I can't_

_And I am sitting alone here in my bed_  
_I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get_  
_I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm failing_  
_I'm telling you these times are hard_  
_But they will pass_  
_They will pass_  
_They will pass_  
_These times are hard_  
_But they will_

You listen to the lyrics that he's singing and it's funny how much the song actually does relate to your situation. Yeah, there are people out there that have it worse than you and your family does. But, when you agreed to date Stef even with Brandon being totally in the picture, you finally dreamed of the perfect picture family. Sure you have your problems, but it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. You handled it all with grace alongside your wife. Adopting Jesus and Mariana, taking in Callie and then Jude, the twins' birth mother, Stef getting shot, adopting Jude and the failed adoption with Callie, finally adopting her, and your practically bedridden pregnancy with Micah.

And as the song ended the two of you were called in for you appointment, Micah stands up shoves his earphones into his pocket and offers his hand out to you and you smiled knowing that the two of you would go about this help _together._

* * *

_These times will try hard to define me_  
_But I will hold my head up high_

Inside the doctor's office was different than you imagined. It was showy, you didn't know where she got her degree from. It was homey and warm. You sat next to Micah who was now a little nervous that he was before or at least now he was showing it a little more.

"So," Doctor Phillips said, "let's take this first session to get to know each other, yes?" You both nodded, "Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Rebekah Phillips, no need to call me Doctor Phillips, I'd like to think of myself more as a friend or a referee, than a psychiatrist."

You nod and you see your son fidgeting beside you.

"Well, I'm Lena and this obviously is my son Micah," you started. "Uh, we've been going through a rough patch recently."

"What do you mean by rough patch?" Rebekah asked.

"My wife, uhm, you probably know, Officer Stefanie Adams Foster, died of stage four stomach cancer."

"Oh right," she said. "I saw that on the news. I don't have the words to express to the both of you right now."

You nodded in appreciation remembering how hard that broadcast was to watch with you and your six children and five of your children's respective family.

_It was two days after Stef passed and you were sitting between your oldest and youngest grandchildren and it was oddly bringing you peace for a moment. Until you looked what was going on the television set._

_"In saddening news, the North Park Police Division lost one of it's finest police officers a couple of days ago." The news anchor said, "Officer Stefanie Adams Foster lost her life to the battle of stage four stomach cancer. She leaves behind her wife Principal Lena Adams Foster of Anchor Beach Community Charter School, her six children Brandon Foster pianist and backup vocalist of popular band Someone's Little Sister, Callie Sawyer family lawyer in Boston, Jesus Adams Foster pitcher for the New York Mets, Mariana Rodrigues a fashion designer in New York City, Jude Adams Foster a Chief Petty Officer in the United States Navy, and Micah Adams Foster a student and athlete at Anchor Beach Community Charter School. Along with her five children-in-law, Lou Foster bassist and lead singer of Someone's Little Sister, Lucas Sawyer a pediatrician focused on foster kids in the greater Boston Area, Matthew Rodrigues lead guitarist of Someone's Little Sister, and Connor Stevens an author and telecommuter journalist for the Los Angeles Times. Also with eight grandchildren, Raider and Ethan Foster, Taylor and Danielle Sawyer, Francesca Adams Foster, Cooper and Lilliana Rodrigues, and Riley Stevens Adams Foster. Our hearts go out to the Adams Foster family and their close friends during this time."_

_"How did they get all that information about our family?" Micah asked in general._

_"Captain Roberts asked if it was okay," you said softly. "They needed a press release statement."_

_You felt Raider's arm go around you as you saw Micah get up and head up the stairs to his room. You could hear Brandon, Lou, and Matt quietly talking about postponing their tour a week, just so that they could deal with this all. And as much as your heart broke, you smiled, that they were willing to do that for you. You heard Micah slam his bedroom door and you sighed, but were thankful that Callie and Jude went up the stairs to deal with it._

You were shaken out of your memory when you heard Rebekah ask Micah a question.

"How you've been coping with all of this?" She asked the boy.

He shrugged, "As best as I can, she was my hero," he said softly. "We've been learning to take one day at a time, but I guess we've run into a few problems."

"How so?" She asked.

He looked at you, silently asking for permission to continue, you nod.

"A few weeks ago, it just became too much. After the holidays I started shutting everybody out. My family and all my friends. I shut everything out too. My school lectures and teachers. The pain was too hard to deal with, I tried to escape from everything. Which with my history of mental health issues, wouldn't have been a good thing."

"Well, it looks like we have a lot to work with," Rebekah said. "I'm going to let the two of you take the lead."

And so you did. You two talked about everything. Stef, your other children and their family, each other, and even Micah's past with mental health.

_Sitting alone here in my bed_  
_I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get_  
_I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm failing_  
_I'm telling you these times are hard_  
_But they will pass_

* * *

___And I know there's a reason_  
_I just keep hoping it won't be long 'til I see it_  
_And maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it_  
_I'm telling you these times are hard_  
_But they will pass_  


That therapy session didn't make life easier, it was still hard waking up every morning without the love of your life. But things started to make sense now. You and Micah talked about anything and everything between sessions. He shared with you what he shared with Stef.

"I want to become a computer engineer." He said, that night at dinner at the Adams Foster family's favorite diner.

"Really?" You asked. "Have any idea what you want to do with it?"

"Haven't made it that far, I just fell in love with it when Ben's dad showed me what it was about." He said. "And UC San Diego has a good program."

"You don't have to stay in San Diego you know," you said reassuring him silently that you'd be fine if he left.

"I want to stay in San Diego, Mama." He said. "Not just to be here with you, but I never planned on moving out of San Diego even before Mom got sick."

You smiled because your son makes you feel safe just like your wife did and for the first time since Stef said the words, "I have cancer," you felt a little safer, knowing that you'd get used to this. Even when it got hard.

___They will pass_  
_They will pass_  
_These times are hard_  
_But they will pass_

* * *

**Chapter End: **So I heard that song the other day and felt inspired to write this chapter. I know it was probably boring, but I wanted to get something out before I start my last year of undergrad tomorrow. I know the updates haven't been the quickest lately, but I don't how they'll be once my last two semester start, but I'm not giving up this story. Not in the slightest.

**Song Credit: These Times by SafetySuit **


	6. Push & Keep Pushing

**A/N:** This chapter is in Micah's POV.

Thank you to **guitarkid **and **ahopelesship** for all your help with this chapter and getting me through this depressing time.

* * *

**Chapter Five: Push & Keep Pushing**

You were sitting on the beach on a beautiful San Diego, Saturday afternoon. The wind was blowing the curls away from your face, you had a pair of aviators covering your eyes. Jesus, Ashleigh, and Francesca were in town, it was always, Jesus' tradition, to come into town before spring training with the Mets to spend time with you and your moms, well now, you and your mama. You were softly smiling to yourself when you were sitting there thinking about the evening before as you were put on airport duty to pick the three of them up and the bear hug that he gave you and how he just checked in with you the entire way home.

Now he was sitting next to your mama as she held his daughter. Ashleigh was sitting next to you trying to hold a conversation.

"So you seeing anyone?" She asked casually.

"Like do I have a girlfriend?" You asked as she nodded her head, "No." You answered, shaking your head.

"Who was the girl that Mom essentially scared off even though she was sick?" Jesus asked.

"You mean my homecoming date?" You asked with a small chuckle.

"Yeah, all you were was her homecoming date?" Jesus asked. "Come on bro. You're related to me. Mom hated most of my high school girlfriends."

"Oh god," your mama said. "Are you referring to the girl that you dated in high school that Mom _really_ hated? Because she was quite fond of Lexi and Emma."

"Hayley?" He asked. "Yeah, I don't know what I ever saw in her."

You chuckled, "Yeah, I heard about her, Leah was nothing like her though. Mom just was super overprotective of me."

"That's an understatement of the century," your mama said.

"You were her favorite," Jesus said.

"Now that's the biggest lie ever," you said. "We all know that Mama was her favorite."

You looked at your mama who blushed behind Francesca's head, "Okay," Jesus said. "You were her favorite kid."

"I'm pretty sure that was Brandon," you said. "Or Callie, since they were so similar." They all gave you a look, apparently in some way you were your mom's favorite and you didn't even know how that happened. "What?"

"Dude," Jesus said, "you were Mom's favorite kid."

"You kinda were baby," your mama said.

"How? I think I caused the most emotional trouble out of the six of us." You said.

Jesus chuckled, "Mariana and I got Mom in a position to get shot," he said. "Scared Mama really bad."

"I do admit, it wrecked my emotions." Your mama said. "Brandon and Callie kissed at our wedding and Jude saw it and it made Callie decide to run away." She added.

"Callie's biological father didn't want to sign over his rights so that Mom and Mama could adopt her." Jesus added.

"Yeah, but none of you attempted to take their life." You argued.

"I think that's what made you her favorite," Jesus said. "She hated it when anyone of her babies thought less of themselves."

"I do too," your mama said.

You swallowed because even though you'd like to think you're getting better, there's still part of you that wants to end everything, that maybe you'd see your mom again. But, you know in some ways, your mama still relies on you.

You sighed, "But, Mom didn't want me at first," you argued, remembering what she said to you in chemo one time. "How could I be her favorite if she didn't want me at first?"

Your mama's eyes went wide, "Baby," she said. "She did want you, she just didn't want to have you right when we did. She loved you. Remember-remember after the suicide attempt? How she wouldn't leave your side when you were at home? How protective she was of you?" You nodded, "She wouldn't have done that if she didn't love you with every single piece of her being."

She looked back down at the six month old baby as Jesus said, "She loved you. Sometimes the siblings and I got jealous because we thought she loved you more."

"Mom didn't play favorites." You said.

"But if she did," Jesus said, "you'd be hers."

You grumbled a little bit and lay your head down on a folded up towel hoping that they'd stop talking to you and suddenly you feel a hand on your shoulder. You looked up to see your mama smiling back down at you and you lay your head in her lap and she ran her fingers through your messy curls just like she always did to calm you down. The only thing missing was the calve massage that your mom would always give you.

_Your never usually quiet during dinner, but ever since coming home from the hospital after trying to take your own life you have been. You can see the worried glances that your mothers are sharing with each other as the third failed attempted to start a conversation with you. Your mom sat across from you while your mama sat next to you._

_You were tired of talking, shortly after you were dismissed from the hospital, you started going to therapy._

_You were trying to eat, but the worried look from both your mothers made you feel like if you didn't attempt to make conversation during dinner they may not leave you alone for the rest of the night._

_"How was your day Mom?" You asked trying to get the conversation to not be about you. "Catch any intense criminals today?"_

_You saw the small smile forming on her face, "No, I spent more than half the day confined to my desk catching up on paperwork." She said._

_"That's what I like to hear," your mama teased as your mom playfully kicked her under the table._

_"How was your day baby?" Stef asked you._

_"Okay I guess, Timothy is making things awkward again." You said. "Is it ethical for him to give me a C on something when you even said it was A quality work?" You asked your mama._

_"He did what now?" You mom asked as your mama collected herself._

_"No, baby," your mama said, "it's not. I'm sorry, I'll talk to him, okay? He's just mad because I told him to treat you like one of his students. Not like it's obvious that he's your sperm donor."_

_You nodded and looked down at your food, you ate more than half of it and you just didn't have an appetite for food anymore, "I'm not hungry anymore," you mumbled._

_Your mom looked at your plate and smiled, it was more than you've eaten since the suicide attempt. "That's fine honey, we'll wrap it up and if you get hungry later you can always eat it."_

_Your mama was in immediate agreement, "Why don't you go lie down in the kitchen nook? Mom and I will be in there in a little while and we can hold you for a little bit, yes?"_

_"Okay," you said walking into the kitchen nook._

_It was not even five minutes before they walked in, you lifted your head for your mama because she liked running her fingers through you curls and lifted you legs for you mom who was there to rub your calves._

_And that's what they did every night after dinner until your mom got really sick._

"I miss her massaging my calves," you whispered to your mama.

"I know you do baby," she said. "I know you do."

She leaned down and kissed your forehead and you fall into a light sleep in her lap on the beach.

* * *

You notice you've been sleep a lot because later that night you find yourself waking up on the couch hearing your mama and Jesus talking over two mugs of tea in the kitchen.

"He's been opening up a little more," you hear your mama said. "But, there are still those demons inside of him that make him closed off."

You hear Jesus sigh, "Mom held him together," you heard him say. "She was his glue because Mama, I love you, but when you got the principal job, he took a back seat in your life. Not necessarily in a bad way, but when you were vice principal, he was your baby. I know he still is, but subconsciously he took the back seat. Mom did too." You saw as you walked into the kitchen, "But, he loves you. Just push him a little to talk more and keep pushing."

"Hey baby," your mama said to you. "Hungry?" She asked.

"A little," you say softly. "I can make myself like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich though."

"You sure?" She asked. "I don't mind."

You walked over to her and put your hands on her shoulders kissing her forehead, "Sometimes you gotta let me take care of myself Mama. I love you, but I can handle a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or two."

Jesus chuckled, "Make three," he said. "One for me."

"Oh my babies," your mama said with a soft smile.

You felt them both watching you and you looked up while unscrewing the jar of peanut butter, "What?" You asked them both.

"We're worried about you." Jesus said.

"There's nothing to worry about," you say a little too quickly. "I'm learning how to cope without Mom."

"Does it kill you to talk to me?" Your mama asked.

You were a little taken back by the question, "Wh-what?"

"I just want you to talk to me, let me know what's going inside your head." Your mama said as Jesus tried to calm her down with a hand on her arm.

"I'm _fine._" You said loudly, "I'm fine."

"No you aren't, Micah." Jesus said for her. "Because if you were fine, you'd talk to Mama."

You put the butter knife down, "I'm _fine,_" you said. "I tried to escape once just for several hours to pull myself together. _Once._ And now what? I'm not fine? I think I know whether or not, I'm fine." You said starting to work yourself up. "I talk in therapy," you said to your mama, "I talk after therapy. I tell you how I'm feeling. I communicate even when I don't want to. Even when it scares me to do so. I talk." You jaw tightened, "What more do you want from me?"

"I want to know what's going on up there." She said pointing to your head. "I want to be able to help you through."

"What if there's nothing you can do to help?" You asked.

"There's always something I can do," your mama said with tears in her eyes. "Whether it's me helping or me finding somebody that can."

Anger was present in the room and you didn't know how you felt about that, before your mom died, you never got angry with your mama. You had no reason to be. Everybody at Anchor Beach called you the middle class, privileged kid from Mission Bay. Your mom was a police officer and your mama was an educator. Your big brothers were things between a rock star and an athlete in New York, and a United States Navy Sailor in Hawaii. Your big sisters were a family lawyer in a big firm in Boston and a fashion designer with her own line in New York. Your sibling-in-laws were rock stars, a doctor, and writers. You had it pretty good. You never had anything to complain about.

"What if I just need to figure things out myself?" You asked as calm as you could even though the anger was present all throughout your body.

"The last time we did that-" your mama doesn't even finish the statement. You remember when it was. It was right before you attempted to take your life.

"I'm not that 15 year old boy anymore, Ma." You said, trying to keep your anger in check. "I know how to cope without taking my life. This family has already lost its rock. I promised Mom, I'd keep it together after she left."

"Why would you promise her that? You're just a kid," your mama said.

"Because somebody has to be strong for you, Mama." You said. "You can't always keep it together."

"And neither can you," your mama all, but yelled. "You're not Superman, baby."

"I never said I was," you stated loudly. "I never said I was." You repeated softer.

"Let me inside your head baby," she said.

"I can't," you said screwing the lid back on the peanut butter walking out of the room to calm yourself down.

* * *

The next day, you were going to the batting cages with Mike, you two had been doing this once to twice a week since the beginning of the year, and if you were honest you actually enjoyed it.

"You have a nice swing," Mike said as you two were taking a water brake. "What's your batting average?"

You smile because in some ways, he reminded you of your mom, "0.72 a season." You answered. "When my mom got really sick, I'd come out here to clear my head sometimes. Practice makes perfect, I guess."

"That's really good, nonetheless though." He said. "How are you doing with that? Your mom. If you don't mind me asking."

"I miss her, y'know?" You said and he nodded, "How are you doing? If you don't mind me asking. You two were like the best of friends even after the divorce and whatnot."

"It's not easy," he answered. "A world without Stef Adams Foster isn't easy." You nodded understandingly. It really wasn't. "But if I'm honest, a part of me never stopped loving her."

You nodded, "I think that's what happens when you get married and have a baby together and then things go south. At least, I see it in my friends' divorced parents' relationships. I never understood what it was like. I was lucky."

"Your moms really did love each other," he said. "At first it made me really jealous that your mom loved Lena more than she could ever love me, but then they adopted the twins and Callie and Jude and when they had you I kind of just got over it."

"How'd you manage to stay around even after Brandon wasn't necessarily in the picture as much?" You asked curiously.

"I was already apart of the family." He said. "Family is family forever." You nodded. "May I ask you a question, kid?" He asked after a moment.

"Sure," you said as you went down to tie your shoe.

"Why won't you let Lena in fully?" He asked. "She just wants to help you."

You sighed, you knew that the two of them talked since he expressed an interest to be a male figure in your life, and you decided for once to answer honestly, "Everybody wants to be happy, y'know?" He nodded and you continued, "But, when you actually have to go out and catch it yourself, it isn't easy. I mean life would be a hell of a lot easier if it worked that way." You took a swig of your water before continuing, "Grieving isn't an easy process, you know that." He nodded and you continued, "My mom, she was the rock of the Adams Foster family even if she made it seem like my mama was. When she got sick, there would be lunch hours that I'd come home and see her so weak on the couch and my mama just holding her. I soon became the rock for my moms and my siblings."

You took a deep breath and you looked up to the sky with your eyes closed before continuing, "My mama depended on me." You said. "She never told me to step up, but I knew that she needed me to."

"You were sixteen," Mike said. "How-how did you manage to step up?"

You thought about all the times that you did, but only one time in particular.

_About a month before your mom passed, she had unknowingly caught pneumonia and she had collapsed after dinner, but remained somewhat conscious. You could tell that your mama was internally freaking out as you scooped your mom up and carried her to the car._

_"You sit with her Mama," you said, "I'll drive."_

_Your mama sat in the back seat, holding your mom close to her, and you managed to time all the lights perfectly. Once you got to the hospital, you parked the car and immediately went to the back seat and picked your mom up, and she was barely conscious and she murmured, "I love you, Miracle Boy."_

_You eyes watered and you murmured back, "I love you too, Mom." And you kissed her forehead as your mama was getting everything situated before the doctors came and whisked your mom out of your arms and took her back for tests. Your mama came and stood beside you and you wrapped your arm around her and she melted in your strong embrace._

_"We need to call your siblings," she said softly into your shoulder._

_"I'll do that," you said. "Don't worry about anything, but Mom, okay?_

_"When did you become the rock of this family?" She asked you, burying her face into your shoulder._

_You chuckled lightly, "When the rock of this family got extremely ill. It's called stepping up. You needed me to." You said leading her to the waiting room so you can also make the phone calls to you siblings._

You realized that you didn't answer Mike's question, so you pulled yourself out of the memory and said, "I did the best that I could and maybe eight months of her being sick and being strong for my family is why it's taking me so long to grieve."

"Grieving isn't an overnight thing though, kid." He said. "Stop being so hard on yourself."

"I wanted to die, y'know?" He said. "When I tried to escape from my mom about a month ago, I was going to find a way to die."

You saw Mike's eyes go wide and he was trying to pull himself together, "Does-does Lena know this?" He asked.

"No, not yet anyway." You said. "I had plans on bringing it up in Monday's session."

"If I've learned anything from your moms in the last 25 years is that they'll keep pushing and they'll push until they can find a way to help you."

You nod, "Yeah, yeah, they do." You said standing up, handing Mike the bat, "You're up next."

He smiled and took the bat, "Let Lena in, it's not so bad. If you don't she might use the psychology she knows against you."

You slightly roll your eyes, tired of being told to let your mama in.

* * *

_You know you were dreaming because you were standing in the middle of Petco Park were the Padres play. You looked around and the stadium was empty. Spring training hadn't even started yet, so you were confused on why you were here. Then you turned around because a baseball was being thrown at the back of your head. And you couldn't believe what you saw._

_Your mom standing there in the matching customized Padres jersey that you and her got for your sixteenth birthday. You run from the pitcher's mound to where she was and you hugged her. She then pulled back and grabbed your face and softly caresses it, "Oh my sweet, precious, Miracle Boy." She said softly. "I love you so, so much."_

_"I-I love you too," you said._

_"Then why do you want die?" She asked. "You've put both your mama and I in that spot before, why put Mama in it after she's already lost me?"_

_"Because I-I miss you," you got out. "I need you. Why-why did you have to leave so soon?"_

_"I couldn't fight anymore," she said. "But that doesn't mean you should stop. Your mama needs you, baby. You still need to be the Adams Foster family rock."_

_"I can't," you said._

_"You can," she assured._

_"That's so much pressure," you said._

_"I know and I'm sorry," she said. "But, your mama needs you and I need you to be there for your mama and your siblings. Have you ever thought about how they're handling it? Sure, an entire country is between you, mama, and Brandon, Callie and the twins and a whole Pacific Ocean is between you, Mama, and Jude. But you gotta be there for this family. It's selfish to want to end your life to be with me. Especially when your family needs you."  
_

_"Wasn't it selfish for you to die?" You said getting mad._

_"My body couldn't fight anymore, baby or I would still be here."_

_"I need you," you said crying. "Mama's working late and the siblings have their lives and I need my mommy." You said in a defeated voice._

_"Your mama is working late because you won't let her in and she doesn't know what else to do." She said. "Your mama needs you to let her in."_

_"Why do I have to be the rock?" You asked frustratedly turning around. "Why can't I be the 17 year old kid that I should be?"_

_"I'm sorry that you had to grow up a little faster than Mama and I wanted you to," she said coming and wrapping her arms around, "I'm sorry that you're not like the rest of your friends, but I need __you to step up for Mama. You promised me you'd take care of her."_

_"I AM," you yell. "I am," you say again in a soft whispered whimper._

_"Then let her in," your mom said kissing your temple, "let her in."_

You jolt awake remembering your surroundings, you were in your bedroom, and you finally settle down enough to compose yourself. You get out of bed and rub your eyes as you made your way to the master bedroom.

You knock on the slightly ajar door and your hear your mama groggily say, "Yes, come in." You open the door and you just awkwardly stand there for a moment, "Baby, what's wrong?"

"I-I- uh," you try to get out, "I was wondering, I mean I know, it's early," you said realizing that it's 4:45 in the morning and neither one of you had to get up for another two hours. "I was wondering if we could like you know, talk. And I don't know if I can find the courage and bravery to do it later."

Your mama scoots over to your mom's side of the bed implying for you to get in, "C'mere baby," she finally said and you moved to the other side of the bed. You lie down and your mama pulls you close, you turn to face her, she softly smiles at you and says, "Whenever you're ready baby."

"You asked me what was going through my head and-and I said that it didn't matter," you started, "and I was wrong. It does matter." Your brown eyes meet your mama's brown eyes and she gives you a soft smile encouraging you to go forward. "I can give you the psychological answer or the answer that makes more sense in my head."

"Whichever baby," she said, "I'm here."

"Everything is irritating. Everybody, around me, is obnoxious and annoying. School is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain."

You feel your mama's hand go up to your face a softly caressing your features, "When Mom died it felt like a piece of this family did too. An irreplaceable piece that nobody and nothing can fill." She nodded understandingly. You avert eye contact before saying the next part, you play with the hem of the shirt your mama's wearing, your mom's old Padre t-shirt, you smile to yourself, "She was in my dream before I woke up," you said now making eye contact with your mama, "she said, that it was selfish that I wanted to end my life just to be with her. And she's right, I just-"

You took a deep breath before continuing, "I think it's time to make some changes around here," you finally got out.

"What do you mean baby?" She asked, caressing her thumb over your cheek bone.

"I know I'm your child and you feel the need to be strong for me and I know your my mother and I feel the need to be strong for you, but with therapy, I think we need to start spending more time together. When you're not working and I'm not working or at school or baseball practice. I know we spend time together and talk and everything, but I think we should start talking about the deep seeded stuff and not just surface level."

She nodded in agreement as you continued, "I just need you to bare with me as I try to express what I'm feeling and thinking and don't have the words to express it sometimes. I _am_ going to do better and I mean it this time."

"That's all I want to hear baby," she said kissing your forehead.

And you two talked for the next two hours about anything and everything and you two were finally getting back on track. Things weren't perfect, but they were working.

* * *

That evening you and your mama were standing at the airport saying goodbye to Jesus, Ashleigh, and Francesca.

"We'll be in San Diego in the beginning of the season," Jesus said to you, "I'll try to get you into the game."

"Mom and I bought season tickets for this season last year, so I'll be there." You said.

"Sounds good," he said giving your shoulder a squeeze, "and if you need anything, you call me, got it?"

"Yes, sir." You said giving him a hug and he turned to your mama as Ashleigh looked at you, "You take care of him," you said to her.

"You know I will." She said. "You take care of yourself and let your mama in." She added.

You nodded and gave her a hug and then looked at your niece who was being held by her mom, "Uncle Micah loves you baby girl," you said kissing her forehead goodbye.

As they said goodbye, you stood next to your mama, and wrapped your arm protectively around her, and asked, "Is it possible if we could have pizza for dinner tonight?"

"Sure, why not?" She said as you guided the both of you out to the car.

One day at a time, but you know between you and your mama, you'll both push through and keep pushing.

* * *

**Chapter End:** I hope that wasn't too intense, I got a lot off my chest with this chapter.

Hope you stick around for what's to come.


	7. Not An Easy World

**A/N:** Thanks for sticking around, I really appreciate everything! This is actually helping my healing process with my friend.

This chapter is in Lena's POV.

Thanks again to **guitarkid **and **ahopelesship **for all your help! And **Junebugsm,** thank you for your Lena-Mike & Lena-Sharon suggestions. And to the rest of you viewers, if you ever want to see anything, let me know! I'm always down for helpful suggestions!

* * *

**Chapter Six: Not An Easy World**

You were sitting watching television with Micah, ever since he came into your bedroom that morning a couple of months before and admitted his need for help, you two got into a better routine ever since before Stef got really sick. And you were glad to finally see him open up a little.

You never realized how much you loved being in his arms until you were snuggled up watching some college basketball game because at least then you could talk with him and not have in engrossed into what was on the tv set.

"Coach Carlson came by my office today," you said. "Showed me your trig test. He was really proud of you."

"Yeah," he said through a chuckle, "he showed it off at baseball practice today too. It's as if I haven't gotten a perfect score on anything before."

"It's the first one since Mom died though," you mentioned hesitantly.

He nodded, "I guess you're right." He said. "I guess the antidepressants are finally working."

You sighed, you didn't necessarily like the fact that he was on them, but they were helping. He was relaxing a lot more too. His grades went from barely an A to back to the top of his class. He had been trying to make an effort and he'd always come to you if there was a problem or if he didn't feel right.

"Well, I'm proud of you," you said. "I know this school year has been tough for you, especially this semester. Your midterm grades came back good."

"Sometimes it is good to distract yourself," he said. "Thanks for letting me do that sometimes."

"I distract myself sometimes too," you said. "I never realized how much Mom took of my time."

"Yeah," he said, "when she was bored, she'd always come and distract me and get me to do stuff with her."

You laughed because that would sound like stuff Stef would do, you see him pull out his iPhone from his pocket and asked, "Who's FaceTiming you?"

He smiled, "Callie is," he said.

"Oh cool," you said adjusting yourself a little as it connected, "Hey baby," you said as her tired face came on the screen.

"Hey Mama," she said smiling at you, "Hey Micah."

"Hey sister." He said. "How are you?"

"Good," she said. "These big cases are taking a toll on me though."

"Is it overwhelming," you asked, worried about your oldest daughter.

"A little, but nothing I can't handle," she said smiling softly. "How's things back on the home front?"

"Better," you answered, snuggling farther into your youngest son. "Still having our good and bad days."

"That's what I like to hear," Callie said with a smile.

"How's the munchkin's?" Micah asked.

"They're good," Callie said. "Taylor starts little league tomorrow."

"Yeah?" Micah said. "That's cool."

"I'm really glad you gave that little boy a chance." You said, remembering how the six year old came from a pretty rough background.

"Everybody deserves a chance, right Mama?" She asked you. You smile remembering that's how you felt when you brought the sixteen year old version of the woman on the screen in front of you home, you nodded. "Alright well, I just wanted to check in, see how things were. I gotta get back to work over here."

"Don't work too hard baby," you said.

"I'm learning my limit Mama, promise." She said. "And you," she said pointing at Micah, "You take care of yourself and Mama, yes?"

He nodded, "You know I will." He said. "You take care of yourself, Lucas, and my nephew and niece."

"Deal." She said and after saying an I love you and a goodbye, she hung up FaceTime.

Micah then got up, "I'm going to make dinner, anything you want?"

"We should probably finish that meatloaf from the other night," you said. "You can reheat that."

"Sounds good," he said walking into the kitchen.

* * *

You were helping your son get through the bulk of what was going through his head, but it didn't dawn on you that you weren't really getting through your own emotions in a healthy way. And when you finally realized it, it was the morning of April 14th.

To anybody in the world, it would just be another day, but like most days since Stef passed they weren't just another day. But today was a little harder because it was Stef's birthday.

It was supposed to be another Monday morning, but Micah had said that he was going to go visit the gravesite before school, so you didn't have to worry about him too much. He was having breakfast with Ben before school and after he went to go see Stef.

You were slowly applying makeup on thinking about the last time you really were with Stef. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but just lying there cuddling.

_You were the little spoon to her big spoon and she had kissed your shoulder. It was about a week and a half before she passed and you were overwhelmed. Micah was at Ben's house as you tried to get him out of the house to continue to live his life because you know even though she never said it, that's what Stef wanted._

_The two of you were lying on the pull out bed of the couch downstairs, so that you could come and go and Stef could watch tv without their being any problems. She had convinced you to be the little spoon again, a spot that you would never admit out loud, but you missed a lot. You loved it when Stef held you. It felt like the world didn't exist when she did._

_And that's what you needed right now, a fake reality that you don't live in a world of bills and cancer._

_Stef was watching a Charger game on the tv and just holding you and every once and a while kissing the top of your head._

_"I love you," she said in a weak voice. "I love you so much."_

_Your breath hitched, "I love you too baby." You said, "A lot more than I could ever understand."_

You were brought out of the memory by your cell phone ringing, you imagined it to be one of the older kids to check in, but you were surprised to see that it's Sharon.

You hadn't really talked to her since the funeral and you are to blame for that, you buried yourself under work and trying to get Micah through that you kind of shut the extended family out of your mind.

"Hi Sharon," you answered. "How are you?"

"Hi Lena," she said, "I'm-I'm doing okay. How are you?"

"I have my good days and my bad. Just try to get through them all."

"Understandable," she said. "How's little man?"

"Micah? Uh, he's okay. He's getting by." You answered. "He's opening up a lot more, which is good."

"I know he's really trying," she said. "We talk every Sunday afternoon for about an hour."

"Oh," you said through a smile, "that's good. I'm glad he still keeps up his Sunday talks with you."

"I miss that kid," she said. "And you. I was hoping to come out in about a month, if that's okay."

"You know it's more than okay, Sharon," you said, "Just because Stef isn't here anymore doesn't mean you're out of our lives. I'd really like it if you still were in this family."

"Okay," she said and you could tell she was smiling, "I'll make arrangements and let you know."

"Alright," you said.

"She would've been 59 today," she said. "And every single day, I miss her more and more."

"We know the feeling," you said. "It hasn't been an easy four and a half months."

"I can't imagine," she said. "You were the best thing that ever happened to my daughter. I hope you know that, you and all six of those kids."

You smiled and were grateful that you hadn't put on mascara yet, "She was the best thing that ever happened to us, to _me._" You answered.

* * *

It was lunchtime before you even got the courage to go to the gravesite, you could immediately tell by the flowers by on the gravestone that Micah had already been by early that morning. What you weren't expecting was for her to have a visitor when you got there, but then again, you weren't too surprised to see Mike standing there with tears in his eyes and looking at the gravestone that read:

**Stefanie Marie Adams Foster  
****A loving wife and mother. A loyal friend. A local hero.  
****April 14, 1972 - December 1, 2030**

"I wasn't expecting anybody to be here," you said, letting Mike know of your presence.

"Oh," he said. "I can go. I just-"

"It's okay, Mike." You said placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "This can't be easy for you either."

"Apart of me always loved her, still does," he said. "Sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable."

You shrug, "A part of her always loved you and it was more than Brandon that had the two of you tied together with an invisible cord." You said. "I can respect that. You two had a good relationship after the divorce and once you finally decided to be there with us."

He nodded, "I've said it before and I'll say it again, a world without Stef Adams Foster is not an easy world to live in." He said, "They say it gets easier after the first year, but I'm not sure how I even feel right now." You nodded, "Nobody could ever quite compare," he said. "After the divorce, nobody could quite compare to Stef for me." You see tears in his eyes. "And I know that's probably awkward for me to say to you-"

"No," you say cutting him off. "We're friends, Mike." You said. "You take my baby out twice a week and are like a father to him. You can tell me anything you want about you and Stef." You smile at him. "I love that after everything, after her leaving and taking majority custody of Brandon, after everything that you've been through, when you had every right to _just_ be in Brandon's life, you stuck around. That takes a lot of courage and a lot of guts. I admire you for that, Mike."

"How-how are you doing, Lena?" He asked. "Honestly."

You took a deep breath, "I miss her," you said. "And I was just trying to have this be another day, but it's not. It's far from it."

"You've been so focused on Micah," he said, "have you really grieved yourself?"

You attempt not to choke out a sob, "No," you said, lowering yourself into the fetal position in front of the grave. "Oh baby," you said to Stef's gravestone. "I've never missed you as much as I miss you as every day passes."

You feel Mike sit down next to you and put his hand on your shoulder, "Yeah Stef," he joined in. "We all miss you."

"Micah's doing good," you said. "He made captain this year for baseball," you added. "The other kids are doing well too. Jude recently made Senior Chief Petty Officer, I know you'd be so proud. And the twins are in the prime of the careers right now. Mariana's fashion line took off and is doing so well and Jesus signed a 7 year contract with the Mets." You smiled, "Callie's career is taking off and keeping her busy. She's putting kids in their forever homes and fighting for them. And Brandon," you looked over at Mike and gave him a soft smile.

Mike cleared his throat taking the hint, "He's doing great, Someone's Little Sister just had their first sold out world tour. Their album that they were working on, when you-" he cleared his throat again, "it sold millions within the first hour. The tour sold out in less than twenty minutes."

"The grandkids are doing good too, the older ones miss their grandmom for sure though." You said.

"It's not an easy world without you, Stef." Mike said trying to hold in a sob. "It's not easy not having my ass kicked by you."

You finally just let the tears go, four and a half months of emotions is running through your body right now and you see that gives Mike permission in a way to just let it all out.

You two sit there and cry for over a half an hour, just letting both of your emotions run freely.

Mike took you into his arms protectively, like how Micah holds you, "Lena and I," the man said to the gravestone, "we-we still both love you more than we could ever understand." All you could do was nod and you realize that Mike is in his uniform and you openly crying into his uniform. "We're all doing our best to live without you, Stef. I hope we're making you proud."

Never in your life did you ever want to get close to Mike Foster, but sitting in the Mount Hope Cemetery, you were thankful for his friendship.

* * *

You found yourself that evening sitting in a pizza parlor with Micah sitting next to you and Mike sitting across from you. After you two confiding in each other at the cemetery, you both silently agreed that he should crash your dinner plans with Micah. The boy didn't have a problem with it, he and Mike grew close in their own way as well since the beginning of the year.

Having the older man around was actually doing wonders for your youngest child and you couldn't complain.

"So," Mike said, "when's your next home game?" He asked.

Micah wiped the grease off of his face before saying, "Thursday evening."

"I have Thursday off," he said, "Mind if I come watch you play?"

For the first time since Stef died, you saw the boy's eyes genuinely light up, "Really? You'd come just to watch me play?" He asked.

"Well yeah," he said. "I like sports. From the high school level to the professional level. And besides, I want to see you in action."

You placed a comforting hand on your son's thigh as he said, "Okay. Yeah, sure!"

"Cool, what time is the first pitch?" He asked.

"Varsity first pitch is at 6:45," Micah said.

"Alright," he said, "I'll be there at 6:30 then."

"I really appreciate it, Mike," he said. "Thank you."

"You bet, kiddo." Mike said.

You were in awe of your son's manners and respect for the people around him. You were in awe of the young man that he's becoming. And even though you don't want to admit it, selfishly, you wish Stef was here to see it. But, you knew she kept watch over you and him and the rest of your kids. So you weren't complaining too much.

"How was your guys' day?" Micah finally asked.

You two shared a look, not ready to talk about the breakdown the two of you had in the cemetery, but neither one of you were about to lie to the boy.

"It was alright," Mike answered for the two of you. "A little harder, but nothing we couldn't handle."

"Yeah," you said, "they say the first year is supposed to be hard. But, we're getting through it," you said taking your hand from his thigh to wrapping it around him. "How was your day baby?" You asked kissing his temple.

"Hard," he admitted. "I was really surprised that I made it through Timothy's class without him realizing that I wasn't necessarily on my A game today."

"I told him to take a step back today," you said.

Micah nodded as Mike curiously asked, "What's his problem normally anyway?"

You see Micah try not to roll his eyes and you sighed, "He's been like this ever since before this one was born," you said gesturing to Micah. "He wants to be a father in this one's life. And Stef and I didn't mind him being in Micah's life, we just didn't want him there as a parent. But, Timothy doesn't seem to understand that."

Mike nodded, "Oh," he said, realizing that he was sort of like a father figure in the boy's life.

You sense that he's feeling a little guilty, so you say, "I like that you're like a father to him, Mike," you smiled, "I don't see it as you trying to make up for whatever you didn't do with Brandon."

He relaxed and nodded subtly, "Thanks for the reassurance Lena," he said.

You nodded, "Any time."

* * *

That night you tossed and turned and finally you couldn't sleep, so you slipped downstairs to make yourself some tea. When you made you way downstairs, you weren't surprised to see Micah sitting on the couch drinking tea and watching tv, but you were surprised what he was watching. The home videos that Stef made of the first five years of Micah's life.

You went into the kitchen and made yourself some tea and then sat down next to the boy.

"I couldn't sleep," he said subconsciously wrapping his arm around you.

You snuggled into his embrace and said, "I know, I couldn't either."

"I figured some home videos would either do some good or break me. I could go for either option right now." He said.

You chuckled, "Where are we at right now?" You asked looking at the tv screen.

"My first birthday," he said. "Where I got cake everywhere."

"Mom encouraged it though." You said, remembering.

You just watched the tv screen and smiled.

_"He's getting cake everywhere," Mariana said from the side of the camera._

_"Yeah," Jude said, "it's kind of- eww, he just got it on me."_

_"Micah baby," you said, "don't throw cake at your siblings."_

_"He's one babe," Stef said from behind the camera. "He doesn't understand what you're saying. It's going to get everywhere," she said, "that's the beauty of him being one."_

_"So you're encouraging this?" You asked incredulously._

_"Yeah," she said, "from my one year old. If my 17 year olds, 16 year olds, or 14 year old did this, we'd have a problem. But, my one year old birthday boy, can do whatever he wants," she said to Micah who was now smiling at her._

_"Looks like somebody has a new favorite," Jesus said to Brandon._

_"Yeah well, if I was this cute, I'd be Mom's favorite too," Brandon said as Micah threw a piece of cake in his direction._

"Okay," Micah said to you, "Maybe I was Mom's favorite."

"She really adored you," you said. "Mom had a special soft spot for all her children, but you had one of your own. It's the same way with me too."

He smiled and kissed the top of your head as you continued watching. It had taken Micah over a year to learn how to walk, but he was determined to do so. His first steps were to Stef.

_Micah was struggling to stand up, but he was on his tummy and had more determination then you'd ever seen a baby have. He stood up and smiled at you as you held the camera for him._

_Then the front door opened and Stef's voice called through the house, "Anybody here?" She asked._

_"Micah and I are in the living room." You said._

_You watched as your wife came into frame and how your youngest son looked over at her._

_"Hi baby boy," she said to him, "you wanna walk to Mommy?"_

_Stef had always encouraged him to walk and she never pushed him to, but you know that if his first steps were to her, she'd be the happiest woman alive. And sure enough, Micah's first steps were to Stef._

_"Oh my god, Lena," she said, "he's walking." She crouched down to about his level and he took his first steps towards the uniformed woman. "Come to Mommy," she said, "Come on big boy." Her arms were opened wide and the smile on her face was the hugest. Micah got to about three steps away from Stef and lost his balance. When he fell he started to softly whimper. "It's okay." Stef said scooping him up into her arms. "Mommy's got you," she said kissing her forehead. "Mommy's got you." She started to bounce around the room, "I'm so proud of you baby boy. So proud."_

You look over to Micah and he using his free hand to wipe away the tears as you continued watching.

And that's how you two stayed for the rest of the night watching the first four or five years of his life.

You silently thanked whoever was out there that you got to have a family with Stefanie Adams Foster. You silently thanked whoever was out there for your six beautiful, amazing kids. You silently thanked whoever was out there for giving you the chance to be the love of her life.

* * *

**Chapter End:** So yeah. I know Mike isn't the most favorite character in this fandom, so I'm trying to make him a little more favorable, but I hope you liked this. I wanted to get something out before the craziness of my weekend kicks in. Weddings, helping friends move, and homework... yeah, my life is getting busy.


	8. The Fastball

**A/N:** This chapter is in Micah's POV, the majority of it is also that essay that he was assigned in the beginning of the story, but don't worry the story is far from over. This actually sets the tone for the rest of the story. I plan on bringing in all the rest of the Adams Foster kids and their families in through the next several chapters. So sit tight and enjoy the ride.

Thank you to **guitarkid **and **ahopelesship** for the help on the essay. I love our storyboard text conversations! More than you'll ever understand. And to **Annie Bowes,** I'm actually setting the story up to your suggestion. :) I'm always down for more - especially when it comes to the lives of Brandon, Callie, Jesus, Mariana, and Jude with their respective families.

**Bold text is Micah's essay.** _And as always italicized text are flashbacks._

Also, I apologize for the wait, I've been going through the depression state of grieving lately and haven't been motivated to write.

* * *

**Chapter Seven: The Fastball**

You'd like to think since Timothy has been in and out of your life for the last 17 years that you know him pretty well, but there are sometimes when you're sitting in his class and you look at him with a _what the hell are you talking about_ face and you realize maybe you don't know him as well as you thought you did.

"Alright," Timothy said to the class. "We're going to go around the circle of desks that we have here and we're going to start off by telling everybody the title and subtitle of you big junior paper. We'll start with Leah and end with Micah. Mariah, if you could start us off."

The girl next to you cleared her throat and said, "You Only Live Once: An Essay About Life."

Timothy nodded, "I like that," he said and you then started to tune everybody out thinking about your qualifying game that you had that afternoon and then thinking about how why you were always surprised when he said that he'd come and watch you play.

_"Your mama said that you have a qualifying game for state on Friday." Mike said the previous night when you were having a guys night watching baseball at the Adams Foster residence while Lena was still on campus working late._

_"Yeah," you said. "I'm the captain this year, so more pressure than last year."_

_"I'm sure you'll do great," he said. "What time is first pitch? I'd really like to be there."_

_You snapped your head over to him, "Really?" You asked._

_"Well yeah," he said. "You really have gotten me into high school baseball this season kid."_

_"Uh first pitch is at 6:30." You said._

_"Cool, looking forward to it." He said._

_"Uh win or lose, we have this tradition where the Anchor Beach team has a family night on the beach afterwards, to either celebrate a good end to the season or celebrate our San Diego championship before taking on state. It's also an awards ceremony. You don't have to stay for that, but you're more than welcome to."_

_"I'll make it happen." He said._

You were brought out of your thoughts by the guy next to you, Roger giving the title and subtitle of his essay, "A Life Without Regret: How YOLO Is More Than Just A County In Northern California."

Timothy nodded, "Unique." He said, "Micah?" He asked gently. He's been getting better about his grudge against your moms and if you looked passed the anger in his eyes about not being able to be your father, you could see why your moms chose him to be your donor.

You clear you throat and say, "The Fastball: An Essay About Figuring Out The Real Meaning Of Life."

Timothy softly smiled at you as he nodded his head, "That sounds like it's going to be a good essay." He said.

You smiled back at him and looked down at the first paragraph of your essay:

**A wise woman once told me, "You have this one life, how are you going to spend it? Apologizing? Regretting? Doing damage control? Hating the one person you can never get away from? Be brave. Believe in yourself. Take risks. You have only one life. Make yourself proud." There is no doubt in my mind that the wise woman was my mother, Officer Stefanie Adams Foster, who's life was lost on the first of December last year. My eyes have been opened to what it really means to live life once. It's not often that a 17 year old high school student thinks about death or how we live life once, but I do all the time now. I sit and think about every decision that I make and how it will affect my immediate and/or long term future because if my mothers have taught me anything it's that no matter what you do in life all of it matters.**

* * *

You were in the locker room getting ready for the qualifying game when your phone kept buzzing in your locker. Texts from your siblings, their spouses, your mama, and from Mike. Texts encouraging you for the game.

_**Jude:** Good luck Captain! Make us Adams Foster Anchor Beach alumni proud!_

**_Callie:_**_ The entire school may seem like it's on your shoulders, but it's not remember to have fun out there. I believe in you, Captain Adams Foster._

**_Connor:_**_ Have fun and bring home a Anchor Beach Titian win! Good get 'em Captain!_

**_Jesus:_**_ I'm playing the Dodgers tonight, but East San Diego High to qualify for the state championship is just as important. From an Anchor Beach baseball alum to a current captain, good luck bro!_

**_Lucas:_**_ I played some ball in upstate New York during high school, I know this qualifying game can be rough, but I have faith that you'll succeed._

**_Mariana:_**_ I understand baseball just as much as Mama does, so I'll just tell you to relax and have fun! Win or lose, you're still our hero._

**_Mat: _**_I give you crap about it all the time about how baseball is just a game, but I know how much this means to you. Good luck Captain._

**_Brandon: _**_I swear next year Anchor Beach is going to treat you how New York treated Derek Jeter 18 years ago, but good luck today._

**_Ashleigh: _**_Good luck, Captain Adams Foster!_

**_Lou:_**_ You got this!_

**_Mike:_**_ Sitting out here with your mama, hope pre-game rituals are going okay for you. Keep your head up._

**_Mama:_**_ I know you wish your mom was with us watching, but I know for sure she's watching from wherever she is now. I love you baby. Good luck._

You smiled because twelve text messages from your family got you more amped up than how you get amped up with your team. You finish buttoning up your uniform. Forgetting the weight of Anchor Beach Community Charter School on your shoulders. Putting yourself in full focus for the game.

Ten minutes later, the coach gathers you all around and said, "We're undefeated. Anchor Beach has not ever been undefeated since 1993 when the school opened. I just want you all to know, win or lose, you all have made history here on Anchor Beach sand. I'm turning it on to your captain to get your pumped up and ready to go." He gestured to you and nodded his head.

"Ben, you ready?" You asked your best friend.

"Yeah," he said in a low voice. "Let's do this Cap."

"Everybody gather around closer," he said. "Look, I know this season has been rough and I've been the toughest captain since Jesus Adams Foster," you said. "But tonight, we have a real chance to go to state. I believe in all of you. Who's with me?"

"Yeah!" The entire team said.

"Who are we?" You suddenly say in a loud, booming voice.

"The Anchor Beach Titans!" The team yelled.

"And what do we want to do?" Ben yelled standing right next to you as you two did you the usual pre-game ritual of pumping up the team.

"Win!" The team yelled as you all started to jump up and down.

"Let's roll, boys!" You said as you and Ben led the team out to the dugout and the onto the field to meet their opponent.

**There comes a time in life where you realize that you were born to do something significant, something life changing, something important. Then somewhere down the line life gets in the way and you start making excuses that you have bills to pay and a family to provide for and it all started because your parents convinced you to be a doctor instead of a writer, a lawyer instead of an actor, or an accountant instead of an artist. And I never understood why my mothers told me and my five older adult siblings to be whatever we wanted to be. I have a brother who is a full time musician, a sister who is a family lawyer, another brother who is a pitcher for the New York Mets, another sister who is the top fashion designer in New York City, and one more brother who serves our country as an officer in the United States Navy. Our mothers realized the importance of living life once and they never let us live below our dreams.**

* * *

**I know how this school and this community perceives me, I'm the youngest child of the best police officer and best educator in all of Mission Bay. I'm the youngest brother of the rockstar, the lawyer, the athlete, the fashion designer, and the Navy Sailor. I have life pretty good and then my police officer mother passes away of stage four stomach cancer and I have a few challenges, but I always have things handed to me. I'm the privileged kid, the kid that all parents want to have and provide for, but I'm more than that. You see, when you live life once, you have to live above all what is said about you. Is my oldest brother a rockstar? Yes. Is my oldest sister the best family lawyer that Boston, ****Massachusetts has ever seen? Yes. Is my second oldest brother the best shortstop in New York on the Mets side since Derek Jeter was on the Yankees side? Yes. Is my second oldest sister the best fashion designer New York has ever seen? Yes. Is my older brother a Navy Sailor changing the world at sea for the better, keeping us safe? Yes. Is my mama the best principal Anchor Beach has ever seen? You better believe it. Was my mom one the finest police officer's in the North Park precinct in her time? Yes. But, what my family has done was chase after their dreams long enough for their dreams to find them.**

"Now batting for Anchor Beach, number 7, junior, pitcher, Micah Adams Foster," the announcer said from the box.

You stepped up to home plate, it was the bottom of the ninth, two outs, and the bases were loaded. Anchor Beach was down by three, so you know the entire team was counting on you. There was a breeze coming off of the beach that was a half a mile in the other direction. You looked behind you to see your mama and Mike smiling at you, cheering for you.

You remember playing as the only sophomore on the varsity level playing this game and how nervous you were, you remember cuddling with your mom on the couch as your mama had a administration meeting.

_"You nervous?" She asked you._

_"About what?" You asked curling more into your mom._

_"Tomorrow's game?" She asked._

_"Oh, right." You said looking at the Padres game in front of you. They were playing Jesus and the Mets in New York, so you and your mom were secretly cheering for them to win. "I guess a little. The starting pitcher got suspended, so I'm up on the pitcher's mound. I guess I'm a little better than the second string pitcher."_

_"Yeah?" Your mom smiled._

_"Yeah," you confirmed. "I had a good teacher."_

_Your mom smiled and kissed your head before saying, "You'll do great Miracle Boy."_

You shook your head out of the memory before getting in position to to bat, "This is for you Mom," you murmured quietly to yourself like you did every other time you were up to bat this season.

The pitcher threw the first pitch to you, a curveball.

"Strike one." The umpire called from behind you.

"Come on Cap," your coach called, "you got this."

The pitcher then threw the second pitch to you, a palmball.

"Ball." The umpire called.

The pitcher threw the third pitch, a splitter.

"Strike two," the umpire called.

"It's okay, it's alright." Your coach called. "You got this Cap."

The fourth pitch was thrown, a slider.

You hit it, but it was a fowl ball.

"Come on," you muttered to yourself. "Focus.

You gripped the bat a little tighter and your remember the last time that your mom watched you play. You remember the last encouraging words she said to you before last year's state championship.

_"Win or lose, you're still going to be Anchor Beach's hero. Don't let the weight of an entire school, an entire athletic department, weigh you down. Coach Carlson chose you to be on this varsity team as a sophomore because he believes in you. Your mama and I do too."_

You quickly glance over your shoulder to where your mama was sitting, she was smiling softly at you, and you saw her mouth, "You'll always be a hero to me."

You look at the pitcher for the fifth and final pitch, it would either be a strike out or a walk, either way you and your team wouldn't qualify for the the state championship and you weren't taking no as an answer.

The pitcher throws the fifth pitch, a fastball.

You hit the ball so hard, that your bat broke, and the ball went flying outside Titian Stadium and you began to run. You knew it was out of here so you just kept running Anchor Beach was going to the state championship for the first time since Jesus took them in 2015 and you were the reason now. Keeping up the Adams Foster tradition. Sure maybe you didn't want to become a major league baseball player like Jesus, but this feeling you have right now as your entire team is meeting you at home plate was the best feeling you've ever had since before your mom died.

**Living once doesn't give you the valid excuse to go out every single day and do something stupid. There's a fine line between taking risks because you are scared that if you don't nobody else will and taking a risk because you are wanting to be stupid. I live my life like tomorrow isn't promised to me because tomorrow isn't promised to me. Tomorrow isn't promised to anybody, not me, not you. I had to do a lot of searching within this semester. Life isn't meant to be easy, the challenges that we face are the same challenges that make us who we are. There's that saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and there's a lot of truth to that. The Adams Foster family lost their rock. We lost our police officer with jokes that didn't make sense sometimes. My mama lost the love of her life, her best friend, and her wife. My siblings and I lost our mom, our protector, and in some ways that piece of us that was always reassured ten times over that things were going to get better, but we're still alive and still living.**

* * *

**That's not saying we have it easy though. In fact, some days it's hard to get out of bed knowing that I'll go down for breakfast and won't be teased for not liking bacon. Some days it's hard to get out of bed knowing that I'll go down for breakfast and my mom won't be standing behind my mama with her hands on her waist whispering how much she loves her in my mama's ear. And even though I complained about it every morning, you never really know what you have until it's no longer yours. Those days where it's particularly hard to get out of bed, where I drag myself to the shower and get ready for school and go downstairs and see my mama silently crying into her cup of coffee because my mom isn't there anymore, but we do get by though. **

"And ladies and gentlemen, the reason why we're here, please welcome from the locker room, your San Diego city champs, the Anchor Beach varsity Titians!" The announcer said as you and Ben lead your team out onto the beach from campus.

Cheers, loud cheers filled the beach as the team ran out finding their respective families and you couldn't help, but think as you were running towards your mama and Mike that this time you were running towards two of your moms.

_"And ladies and gentlemen, they were so close to winning the San Diego city champ title, but here they are now, the Anchor Beach varsity Titians!" The same announcer guy said._

_You ran to your moms and both of them wrapped you up the traditional Adams Foster __mamasandwich, "You did good baby," your mom whispered in your ear. "You still got two more years to shine."_

_"Thanks Mom," you said kissing her cheek._

_"We're so proud of you," your mama said. "You played hard."_

_You smiled as they both kissed your cheek, it was a good night to be wrapped up in their loving embrace._

"Congratulations kiddo," Mike said as you ran up to them. "That was an impressive hit."

"Yeah," he said. "I'm going to need a new bat for next season," he said looking at his mama.

"I think there's one lying around the garage somewhere." Your mama said. "If not, we'll definitely get you one." As the three of you sat down, you saw your mama start to shiver, you immediately took off your lettermen jacket and wrapped it around her. "Thanks baby," she said kissing your cheek.

The three of you were eating when they announced the seasons' MVP, "If I could get everybody's attention please." Your coach said. "Hi there, I'm very proud of our boys and how hard they worked this season. We still have a ways to go to get ready for state, but it's not anything I'd trade for the world. Your boys are hard workers and you all should be proud."

He cleared his throat as he continued, "I think we all know who are MVP is this year because on top of working with the team, he's faced some tough battles this semester personally. I know for Micah Adams Foster personally, he's dedicating his last two season of playing for the Titians to the woman who taught him the very sport. In a way, we dedicated this season to Officer Stefanie Adams Foster of the North Park precinct because of everything she's put into this very athletic program. From her and Principal Adams Foster's second oldest boy Jesus who wrestled and played baseball, to their third oldest boy Jude who played baseball, to their youngest Micah who currently plays baseball and football. Officer Adams Foster poured her heart into this athletic program just as much as her wife our principal here at Anchor Beach. So, if our MVP of the 2031 season, Micah Adams Foster, our captain for this year and next could come up and he's presenting the next awards as well."

You stood up and walked to walked up to where to podium on the makeshift stage was and said, "Thank you Coach Carlson and to the Anchor Beach athletic department for this honor. This next award is actually for two people as I have two plaques up here to present."

You cleared your throat, "It has been a hard semester for me personally. I did personally dedicate this season and will dedicate next season to my mother who passed away. But, I couldn't have done it without my team, this athletic department, and two more people that I'm presenting this award to. The first person has gotten me through the brunt of all that has happened since last year. If Principal Lena Adams Foster or as I'm lucky to say, Mama, could come up here."

Your mama smiled as she stood up and came up to receive the award and you continued, "This next person has been like a father to me since the death of my mother and I'm honored for that, if Officer Michael Foster of the North Park precinct can come up here as well." Mike looked surprised at the honor and when both he and Lena were standing next to you, you said, "I couldn't have done it without either of you. So thank you and these Parents Appreciation Awards go to you. Thank you."

The three of you stood there for another moment to get your picture taken and then all went back to the blanket that you were sitting on and enjoyed the rest of the night.

**You're supposed to learn things in life. What have I learned so far? That life really is precious and that you shouldn't take it for granted and you really only do live life once. Life isn't easy, but that's how you learn. Life will always throw you curveballs, palm balls, splitters, sliders, and fastballs, you just have to keep trying when you get strikeouts in life. That's what I learned. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you handle it. How are you handling your life today?**

* * *

**End of the Chapter:** So yeah, here it is.

Let me know who (Brandon, Callie, Jesus, Mariana, or Jude) you want to see next and what you'd like to see in their respective families. :)


	9. Harder Than You Originally Thought

**A/N:** This chapter is in **Callie's **POV. Going to dive into the other siblings' lives and show how they're coping (or maybe not coping) with Stef's death.

Thank you to **guitarkid** and **ahopelesship** for all your help and beta'ing and sound boarding. Our group convo texts have also been helping me through this.

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Harder Than You Originally Thought**

You were standing staring out your office window of downtown Boston just thinking. You found yourself doing a lot of that since your mom died. You remember how they got you all on Google Hangout to tell you and your siblings, but it seemed that your youngest brother already knew.

_You were still in the office during your once a week Google Hangout family session with your moms and siblings. You were connected in to see your moms downstairs and Micah up in his room, but it looked like Micah was working hard on something._

_"You all realize that you are in the same house right?" You joke._

_"I'm swamped with midterm prep," Micah said continuing to type._

_"Sophomore year tough for you, bro?" You asked your visibly stressed out baby brother. He barely acknowledged you as Jude logged in. "Hi buddy," you said to him._

_"Hey Callie." Jude said. "Mom, Mama, Micah."_

_"Hi baby." Your moms said._

_Brandon then connected in, "Family!" He said excitedly. "Well family minus the twins."_

_You, Jude, and your moms chuckled, "They'll be on soon." Your mama said. You noticed that they were a little clingy and that Micah was a little too focused on his paper._

_When the twins connected on, it was like the family was together again until your mom made an announcement, "Alright babies, I have some bad news." You saw how your mom's hand found your mama's and how your mom's arm tightened around your mama's shoulder and you noticed Micah getting tense._

_"Whatever it is, does Micah know?" Jesus asked. "I don't think I've seen him this tense in my life."_

_"It's midterms," he muttered and continued writing his paper._

_"Yes, he already knows." Your mom said. "I have stomach cancer." She got out._

_"What?" Five voices including your own got out._

_"I thought it was the stomach flu at first." Your mom said. "Then I kept getting worse. Your beautiful mama convinced me to go to the doctor and I did. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago-"_

_"Wait a minute," Brandon said, "you had surgery and none of you told us?"_

_"We didn't want you to worry," your mama tried to sooth the man._

_"How is it fair that he knew, but none of us did?" Brandon argued._

_"Because I live here," Micah said stopping from writing his paper. "Do you really think that they would keep this from me?"_

_"Hey, hey," your mom said softly as the brothers were in a serious stare down, "c'mon guys. Take a breather."_

You were brought out of your thoughts by your boss' voice, "Hey Callie," she said. You looked over your shoulder and she asked, "You okay?"

"Oh yeah," you said. "Sorry, was just thinking. What's up?"

"The Michaels family wants to adopt their foster daughter." Your boss said.

"However?" You asked knowing that it was coming.

"The incarcerated biological father refusing to sign over his rights." She said. "I'm giving this case to you."

"Isn't this incarcerated biological father, former United States Senator William McKinley?" You asked with wide eyes.

"Yes, is that going to be a problem?" She asked.

"No, well maybe. Do you realize how much publicity that's going to get? He drove under the influence of alcohol and killed his wife and the three people in the car in front of him." You chuckled a little, it's how your birth mother died, "Actually, yes, I will take it. I'll call them to set up a meeting with them."

Your boss stood wide eyed at you, "Listen Callie," she said. "I know that you've had a rough year with your mom being sick and dying, but if you need to take a sabbatical, please let me know."

"I'm fine, Amber. Really. I can handle it." You said. "Everything is fine."

Your boss left the room and you took a breath and sat down when your husband called you.

"Hey baby," you said softly. "What's up?"

"Just wanted to check in," he said, "especially since after last night..."

He left the statement hanging, both of you were off at a reasonably good hour yesterday and after putting your two kids to bed, you two tried to have a romantic night, but you had a panic attack in the middle of it, which led to your husband just holding you, and reminding you through words and soft temple kisses of how much he loves you.

"I'm really sorry about that," you said feeling guilty.

"Callie," he said, "it's really fine. I was hoping to take you out of town this weekend, just you and me."

"What about the kids?" You asked.

"I have four roundtrip tickets to San Diego, they'll stay with your mama and Micah and we're going to go visit your mom's grave and then the rest of the weekend, it's just going to be you and me along the beach. Going to get your head back into perspective."

"I was just handed a pretty big adoption case, baby." You said.

"I already talked with Amber about it." He said. "She thinks you need it. You need to grieve your mom properly, Cal. I love you, but right now, you aren't the woman I fell in love with. You're in survival mode and I know that the entire Adams Foster family is in that same boat, but I need to take care of my wife this weekend. We leave tonight and we get back Monday afternoon. The kids are excited to see Grandmom and Uncle Micah."

"Danielle doesn't understand that she's going to see them." You said with a soft smile, "She's barely one."

"Taylor is really excited," Lucas countered. "So excited that he packed his baseball glove to play catch with your brother."

"I want to spend a little time with them if we're going to San Diego." You said. "Will there be time for that?" You asked.

"Of course," he said and you could tell that there's a smile on his face. "Your mama made sure I made time for that. She said that Micah maybe stressed out because of his finals, but he wants to see you too. I have a feeling you're his favorite sister."

You chuckled, "I won't tell Mariana." You said softly. "Well if I'm taking tomorrow and the weekend off, I better get back to work."

"Yeah, me too." He said. "I love you, Ace." He said tacking on your college nickname from him.

"I love you too, nerd." You said tacking on his college nickname from you.

You two hung up and you thought about how you two met. You were sitting next to him junior year in an eight am American literature class and you managed to get an A without even trying very hard and every time you saw him outside of class he was reading some kind of comic book or playing some kind of video game and the first time you saw him playing a video game, he went all nerdy on you and explained the game to you even if you didn't care (he still sometimes does this to you). So you became Ace and Nerd.

You remember bringing him home the first year of law school when you two officially started dating. The only guys you had really ever dated was Wyatt and if you even counted Brandon, him as well. You had a few dates here and there throughout undergrad, but nothing too serious to bring home for the holidays for and you were starting to fall head over heels in love with at the time, med student, Lucas Sawyer. And you wanted the seven people who meant the most to you to fall head of heels in love with him too. You smile at how that was six years ago and remember how nervous your now doctor husband was when it came to meeting your moms.

_"What if they don't like me?" Lucas said as the two of you headed off the plane._

_"They will." You said grabbing his hand as you both stepped into the terminal at San Diego International Airport._

_"And if they don't?" He asked._

_"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," you said, "but trust me, they'll love you. Honey, you spent the first four years of your legal adulthood serving our country actively and your finishing your last four years in the Reserves. You spent the last two years preparing for med school. You're the sweetest guy I've ever been able to call my boyfriend. My moms, Stefanie and Lena Adams Foster will love you because they see how happy you make me. That's all they care about."_

_"You said one of your moms is a cop though." He said. "She owns guns and could kill me."_

_"If you hurt me," you said, kissing him softly. "Please relax."_

_"Okay," he said as the two of you were met by both your moms and your 11 year old little brother Micah at the bottom of the stairs._

_You admit that ever since getting accepted into Harvard Law after going to Harvard University, you miss your family a lot. Brandon and the twins were on the East coast, but Brandon and Jesus traveled. Mariana was busy with her clothing line and charity organizations. Jude was just transferred from the Washington Navy Yard to Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. And Micah obviously still lived at home with your moms._

_"Hey slug-a-bug," your mama said to you. "How was the flight?"_

_"Bumpy," you said. "But, it's nice to be home."_

_"It's nice to have you home, love." Your mom said hugging you tight and letting you go so you could hug your mama, you heard your mom then say, "You must be Lucas. We've heard a lot about you."_

_"Likewise ma'am." He said shaking the police officer's hand, "It's nice to meet you."_

_"You can call me Stef," your mom said, "welcome to the family."_

_"So that makes you-" He said to your mama._

_"Lena," she said shaking his hand. "It's nice to put a face and voice to a name."_

_"Definitely," he said with a smile._

_"And this is my baby brother, Micah," you said after hugging him._

_"It's nice to finally meet you kid." He said to the boy._

_"Yeah, nice to finally see who I'm playing video games with." Micah said with smile._

_"I'll go get our bags, Cal." He said after giving the boy a small smile._

_As he walked away, you looked to your moms and brother, "He seems really nice." Your mama said._

_"It's nice to see you happy, baby." Your mom said coming up to you hugging you._

You shook your head to get yourself to focus a little better, but there was no use. You missed your mom and there was nothing going to help that.

* * *

You and your family landed in San Diego at nine pm California time having been on an airplane since six pm Boston time. Lucas had rented a car because of your getaway weekend and because your mama and Micah were swamped under end of the school year things. You were carrying Danielle as Taylor walked tiredly next to you. After getting your bags and the rental car, you were on your way to Mission Bay.

When you arrived at the house, you knocked on the door; your baby brother answered it, and he squinted at you, "Hi Micah," you said.

"Does your key not work?" He asked you.

"I didn't think you two wanted us barging in," you said pushing passed him as he went out with your husband to get the rest of your bags. "Hi Mama," you said kissing her cheek.

"Hi baby," she said as you sat down next to her putting Danielle in her arms and Taylor got on the other side of her and curled into his grandmom.

"How are things?" You asked.

"Good, your brother is really stressed out though." Your mama said and you put your head on her shoulder. "Ahh I like this. Two of my grandbabies and my oldest baby girl all cuddled up next to me."

"Hey Mama," Micah said, "we putting the kids in Callie and Mariana's old room and the lovebirds in Jesus and Jude's old room?"

"Yes baby," she said. "If you could set the beds up too."

"You bet," he said walking up the stairs with your husband.

"He looks a little less depressed." You noticed.

"He's on antidepressants." She said. "I don't like that he's on them, but they're working. Mike says he's a little more lively these days too."

"He's hanging with Mike?" You asked.

"Mike wanted to be a male figure in his life." She said wrapping her arm around you playing with your hair. "It's been good for him. A little guy time, I prefer Mike over Timothy any day."

"Has Timothy gotten any easier on him?" You asked burying your face into your mama's shoulder softly taking in the familiar smell.

"Yeah, actually he has." Your mama said. "He's been treating him like a normal student lately."

"That's good," you said.

"It is," she agreed. "How are you doing baby? Lucas said he's worried about you."

You look over to see that your kids are sound asleep and you said, "It's embarrassing." You said. "Like that time where I tried to have sex with Wyatt and my rape with Liam got in the way, but more embarrassing than that."

"What do you mean baby?" She asked you, kissing your forehead.

"I started crying when I was about ready to have sex with my husband." You said. "Crying because all I've been able to think about when I'm not working is how much I miss Mom. How unfair it is that I had to lose another one." You then start playing with your wedding ring. "I find myself thinking back to all those times I had with Mom and it makes me miss her even more. I think of those times where you would say, _'Are you sure you two aren't biologically related?'_ Because we were so alike. I just miss her."

"We all do baby," your mama said. "Grieving is a funny thing because one moment you're living life like you know the person would want you to and then the next moment, you're emotional wondering what the hell is wrong." You nodded while listening to your mama's soothing maternal voice. "And it's okay to feel this way. You know there are mornings here where getting Micah out of bed is like pulling teeth and other mornings where getting me out of bed is like pulling teeth. Rarely ever do we have a similar day where we both are feeling that way. We both know that it's not easy for you, the twins, Jude, and Brandon. We don't expect it to be. You remember what my mom said to you at your mom's dad's wake?"

"Family isn't until you're 18, family is forever." You said softly.

"And that is why we're here." Your mama said, "Sure, we have our days that getting out of bed is the hardest days of our lives, but we still do and those are the days that Micah relies on me a little more and I rely on him."

"Isn't that a lot to ask from a 17 year old?" You asked.

"It's how we work now," she said. "Because we can't do it alone without each other."

You let your mama's words sink in for a little while before your husband and brother came down to get your kids to take them upstairs and put them in bed.

* * *

You cuddled with your mama for a little longer before she went up to bed and Lucas was already asleep in Jesus and Jude's old room, you poked your head into Brandon's old room that is now Micah's room.

"Hey little man," you said. "It's late."

"Yeah and I have this last paper due in Timothy's class tomorrow." He said, continuing to type.

"Why are you still writing it?" You asked sitting on his bed.

"Because with the state championship and classes I actually care about, I put this off until this afternoon." He said. "But, I'm almost done. You gonna be up for awhile? I'd have Mama proofread it, but she already came in to say good night."

"Sure," you said, "I'd love to keep you company anyway."

"So," he said, "how're you doing?"

"Fine," you said. "How are you State Champ Captain?"

"I'm okay," he said, "every day is an adventure." He said. "How're you _really_ doing?"

"What do you mean?" You asked him coming behind him rubbing his shoulders.

"Lucas told me why you're really here." He said, "Don't worry I don't think any different of you. Everybody's allowed to have an off day."

"Crying before being intimate with your husband?" You said rubbing a knot out of his shoulder. "That's a little more than off." You were still working on the knot in his shoulder, "Damn little man, what did you do to get this knot in your shoulder?"

"Final stress." He answered. "And have you unburied yourself from your work enough to finally grieve Mom's death?" He asked.

"Not really," you said.

"I get it, you know?" He said, "I get not grieving. I did that, remember? And then my mental health kicked in and I almost took my life."

"Yeah, but it's not like you're married with a spouse to worry about pleasing." You said.

"I gave up a girl that I've been crushing on since the fifth grade because Mom was sick and when she died I withdrew." He said. "Sure, I don't have a spouse to worry about. But, the girl that I like won't even talk to me because in her mind, I'm a nut job that needs his mommy."

"You are _not_ a nut job." You said.

"Yeah well, Megan is out of the picture. Why do you think I took Leah to homecoming?" He said. "Mom still approved of her and Megan won't talk to me. Nut job." He said pointing his thumb at himself.

"Stop calling yourself that," you said. "I hate it when you call yourself that."

"Sorry," he said. "Look, you need to properly grieve and it's not going to end after this weekend. You've done this once, right?" He asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I was young and didn't deal with it until I got here." You said, remembering breaking down at Frank's wake in your mom's arms.

"How bad was it once you got here?" He asked, "When you finally broke down, how bad was it?"

"Pretty bad, pretty messy." You said.

"It's okay to cry, it's okay to _not_ be okay." He said. "We all put this front on to the world, but your husband wants you to break down. He just doesn't want you to about ready to go at it for you to do so."

"You're really wise, you know that?" You said kissing his cheek.

He shrugged while hitting the print button, "I try." He said handing his essay to you to proofread.

* * *

"Be good for Grandmom, okay?" You said to Taylor at breakfast.

"Yes Mommy," he said. "I'll be good for Grandmom and Uncle Micah."

"Oh, you can be naughty for your Uncle Micah," you joked, "he was naughty to all of us when he was your age."

You watched as your brother took a sip of his orange juice and just squinted at you, "I was not." He said.

Lucas came from behind you and placed his hands on your shoulders lovingly, "You ready Ace?" You nodded and pressed a kiss on Taylor's temple and then went around the table kissed Danielle's cheek.

"Call us if you need anything," you said to your mama.

"I'm sure I can handle them for a couple of days," your mama said, "I've raised six kids and am a principal at your Alma Mater."

"I know," you said, "but-"

"If we need you, we'll call you big sister," Micah said feeding Danielle some Cheerios. "But, if we don't, we'll handle it."

"See," your mama teased, "go." She then said seriously. "Relax. Let your husband take care of you."

You nodded and grabbed your husband's hand, "Okay." You said kissing your brother's cheek, followed by your mama's. "Love you."

"Love you too," three voices came, two muffled by food.

Your husband led you out and opened the passenger side door to let you into the rental car and then got in his side, "So first stop Mount Hope." He said softly.

"Yes," you breathed. You hadn't been there since the burial service and the thought of going makes you weak on the inside. As Lucas drove you looked out of the window and at a stop light before merging onto the freeway, you felt him grab your hand and he kissed it.

"I love you." He said.

"I love you too," you answered.

"You make me want to be a better man," he said. "I thought when I joined the military right out of high school that would do it, but you made me a better man. And I know that your mom helped you become the amazing woman that I fell in love with and that's why I want you to go see her. To find some closure. And maybe you'll never have it completely, but whatever is going on up there," he said pointing to your head, "needs to come out."

As he started to drive again, his hand never left yours and when he pulled up to where your mom was buried, he let you go first to have a few minutes alone. You walked up to the gravesite and you looked at the gravestone:

**Stefanie Marie Adams Foster  
****A loving wife and mother. A loyal friend. A local hero.  
****April 14, 1972 - December 1, 2030**

You took a deep breath and just took in your surroundings and you were reminded of the moment you legally became apart of the Adams Foster family. Sure, you had been family since the moment you stepped into the house, whether you knew it or not, but the moment where it was like both Stef and Lena metaphorically gave birth to you. The moment where you went from Callie Jacob to Callie Adams Foster was the best day of your life.

_It was almost halfway through your senior year at Anchor Beach when you finally became an Adams Foster. Your moms fought for you just like they always did. They convinced Robert to sign away his rights after Sophia tore the abandonment papers to pieces. You were getting adopted and much like Jude's adoption day, you stood in front of the judge with your moms' arms around you and the family standing in the back._

_You were signing paperwork when you stopped for a moment, you smiled up at both Stef and Lena and kissed their cheeks and then looked down and you saw the name you never knew you always wanted:_

_Callie Jacob Adams Foster_

_When you signed your name next to Stef and Lena's you realized that your life was changing forever and finally it was for the good._

_You remember the first words that your mom said to you as a legal Adams Foster, it was corny and so Stef like, she said, "Who's your mamas?"_

_It made both you and your mama laugh and you kissed their cheeks again and said, "Thank you." And when they looked at you confused you clarified and said, "For not giving up on me. For fighting for me. For wanting to be my moms so much that you'd go to the end of the world to make sure that before I got married that my name is Callie Jacob Adams Foster. Thank you."_

_You remember their eyes welled up in tears as your mom said, "You don't have to thank us love, we fell in love with you. Thank you for letting us in."_

You shook out of the memory as you sat in front of the gravestone, "Hey Mom," you said. "It's the first time I've been here since we buried you. A lot has happened. Taylor has grown so much." You smile remembering the first time your moms met the boy just three years ago.

_Your moms and Micah were coming to Boston for the adoption ceremony for Taylor and even though they've met him briefly on FaceTime and Google Hangout, this was the first real time that they would meet the boy._

_You brought Taylor in when his mother was taken into custody for the third time since the three year old was born when he was two. You and Lucas immediately fell in love with the boy and after six months of fostering him, you started the adoption process, and now a year later, it was finally happening._

_You were standing at Logan International Airport with Lucas and Taylor waiting for your moms and baby brother to arrive and you were talking with Taylor._

_"You're going to love your grandmas and Uncle Micah." You assured._

_"What do I call grandmas without it being confusing?" He asked quietly._

_"Well your cousins call my mom, the blonde one, Grandma and my mama, the curly hair one, Grandmom." You said._

_"Okay," he said softly._

_Twenty minutes later, your moms and Micah are coming down an escalator, "Hi family," you said._

_"Hi baby," your mama said. "Hi Lucas," she said hugging and kissing his cheek when they got to you._

_"Hi Mama," he said greeting what he calls his mama-in-law._

_"Hi my love," Your mom came and kissed your cheek and placed her hand on your other cheek. "Hi Soldier," she then said to Lucas._

_"Hi Mom," he said. He had started calling your moms, Mom and Mama upon your marriage because his parents died when he was little and was in the foster care system and never got adopted, so he never had a forever family._

_"Where'd little man go?" You asked._

_"Probably to go get our bags from baggage claim." Your mama answered._

_"Does he need help?" Lucas asked._

_"It's only his bag and our shared bag," your mom answered. "Is this the little guy we've been hearing all about?" She asked crouching down to his level._

_"Sure is," you said crouching down, "Baby, this is Grandma."_

_"Hi," he said softly._

_"Hi little guy," your mom said as your mama crouched down, "this is Grandmom," she said introducing your mama._

_"Hi sweetheart," your mama said. "Your Uncle Micah will be back in a minute. Can we give you a hug?"_

_He nodded and you watched as your moms wrapped him up in what would normally be called a mamasandwich, but they amend for each grandchild, a grandmamasandwich._

You shook your head again out of the memory and continued talking to your mom, "Taylor's playing baseball and is convinced he's going to be like his Uncle Jesus, but play for the Padres. Lucas said that we're lucky that the Padres are in the National League and the Red Sox are in the American League or he might've been mugged later in life."

"Danielle is almost a year now," you said. "A day doesn't go by that I don't think about the first time you held her."

_You had gone into labor two weeks earlier than planned and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. You were staring down at her when your husband brought you out of your trance._

_"Hey honey," he said. "Your moms and baby brother are here."_

_You smiled because it means they changed their flight just to be here sooner. Even after 15 years of being adopted into the Adams Foster family, especially since your mom was sick._

_"Bring 'em back," you said softly._

_"Yeah, they followed me back here," he said, "Mom isn't a very patient person."_

_"You could say that again," your mama said as they passed him._

_"Hi baby," your mom said pushing your bangs out of your face, "hi grandbaby."_

_"You want to hold her?" You asked as you placed your daughter into her arms._

_"What's her name?" Micah asked softly._

_"Danielle Marie Sawyer." You answered._

_"Danielle after my mom," Lucas began to explain._

_"Marie after one of my moms," you said smiling at the woman that you were honored to call your mom._

_"It's beautiful," your mama said. "Really beautiful."_

"I miss you though," you said. "It's not the same without you." You broke down, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I can't be strong enough. I've lost two moms in my lifetime. This isn't easy."

You felt hands on your shoulders and you realized that your husband was behind you and you turned into him and cried into his Army shirt. You cried harder than you could ever imagine you doing so.

"I love you," you got out. "Thank you for loving me."

* * *

You don't remember how you got here, in between your husband's legs, leaning into him. All you remember is that his hands working the knots out of your shoulders and the sound of the Pacific Ocean hitting the shore, you were peaceful.

"Tell me something about her," Lucas whispered. "Something about Mom."

You smiled because you remembered a story about her that was dear to your heart, "I remember the first time I let them love me. Both of them. The first time that I didn't question their love for me and Jude. I had just gotten done telling them about Liam. They had just spent the entire day looking for one of Mariana's friends and they were relaxing and I felt bad that I was going to ruin that. I wasn't too sure how they were going to react."

_"Hey, where've you been?" Your mom asked you and Brandon as you two walked in._

_"Oh, I, uh took Callie to group," Brandon said._

_"That was nice of you." Your mom responded._

_"Did you share?" Your mama asked you._

_You nodded, "I did." You sat across from them and saw how relaxed they were._

_Brandon turned to leave, "I'll let you guys talk." He said._

_"No, you can stay," you said. You needed the support. You saw your foster moms sit up and you began, "A little while ago we were living with another family. It was a pretty good situation and they had a boy, their biological son living with them. He was older, second year of college, but he lived at home to save money I think." You swallowed as you remember telling this same story in group just an hour before, __"I didn't think much of it, you know? I mean he paid attention to me and it felt so good to have someone pay attention to me and love me that I just never even registered the thought of it being inappropriate for him to be interacting with me like that. I didn't think anything of it until this one night-" You paused, trying to keep your emotions in check. __"He wanted me to have sex with him. I said no, that I wasn't ready, that I didn't want to. He got really mad and he was always so much bigger than I was that I could have fought against him for hours and still lost." You were holding it together about as well as anyone could have expected you to, but that didn't stop the tears that were streaming down your face. __"He ra…he forced me to have sex with him." There it was. The words you never thought you'd tell anybody about._

_You sat there for three minutes before you saw Stef stand up and come to your side, "You are the strongest, bravest kid I have ever met." She pulled you into a tight hug and you'd be lying if in that moment even if at that time your stay was going to be temporary, you felt safe. And you didn't question that Stef Foster and Lena Adams' love for you and your brother._

"She held me so tight that night," you said remembering. "Reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. For the first time in the six years prior I felt _safe_ and _loved._"

"They sure do make people feel that way," he said.

"I miss her so much," you said.

"I know Ace," he said kissing your head. "I know."

You knew that life wasn't ever going to be the same, you knew that you'll always miss your mom, but you also knew that you'll figure out a way to live without one of the only people that made you feel safe.

* * *

**Chapter End:** Didn't turn out the way I envisioned, but pretty close. Longest chapter I've ever written. Don't worry, I'll do Callie's POV again in Boston with her family.

Who do you want to see next and what would you like to see in their lives?


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